The Ties that Bind Us
by cheekybeak
Summary: To save him, Elladan has taken Legolas's sea longing upon himself. But what does this mean for the two of them? How will it impact on their lives, and is Legolas really better off without it? The sequel to That Wondrous Song. 4th story in the Walls of Glass series.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors note: This follows straight on from That Wondrous Song. Elladan has acquired Legolas's sea longing.**

 **Just a short chapter to begin with.**

 **Disclaimer:** All Tolkiens; Not mine.

 **Please Note:** Contains character driven non physical M/M slash. If you don't like it, don't read it.

 **Legolas**

The sun is shining, the day is bright and I am happy, happier than I have been for months, maybe even years. It has been so long the feeling is a strange one, almost as if I have forgotten how to be anything but miserable...perhaps I have.

It has been several days since we returned to Imladris after my desperate, grief stricken dash to the Sea. I find it impossible now to remember what drove me there because Elrohir has forgiven me, and he loves me. The last few days have been glorious, a wonderful, euphoric, haze. For the first time in years I am secure and cherished and loved. I no longer have every moment of closeness tainted with the fear of abandonment, the fall out from betrayal.

There is one cloud on my horizon and that is Elladan.

Somehow he has released me of my burden and piled my sealonging upon himself. I still do not know how he achieved it but I know I must take it back, it is not his cross to bear, it belongs to me, and as much as I am uplifted by its disappearance, as much as the lack of it has transformed my life, it is mine to own.

There is only one problem. Elladan will not let me.

I have asked, then bargained and wrangled and pleaded, to no avail. I have resorted to anger with even less success so now he avoids me. I cannot do it on my own, I cannot simply reach in and take it back. He must invite me in, and he will not. I have run out of ideas and I leave tomorrow with Aragorn, I have no clue what to do next which is why I have sought out Glorfindel.

"You must make him let me in." I say, and to me it seems easy. "Once he allows the connection I know I can relieve him of the sealonging."

But Glorfindel simply throws back his head and laughs at me.

"I must make him let you in? Seriously, Legolas. Who do you think I am? I cannot 'make' Elladan do anything!"

My frustration at my helplessness boils over for he does not understand, how can he? There is nothing of the sea about him.

"You have no idea, Glorfindel, what a burden this is to him," I say angrily. "Do you even care?"

I find out then why they say it is best not to cross the Balrog slayer.

Glorfindel can be gentle, I have been on the receiving end of his paternal kindness recently myself, but now he turns on me, and he is all ice cold fury. I flinch in the face of it. I, who consider myself courageous, who was raised by Thranduil and can stand firm under his displeasure, I flinch.

"How dare you!" His words cut me to shreds. "How dare you suggest I do not care, that I do not see how this is affecting him already. How dare you, Legolas Thranduilion." He is implacable and I am shamed for of course he cares, of course he knows, he loves him.

I am left speechless for my mouth has over run itself and there is nothing I can say but to ask his forgiveness and so I do.

"That was said in frustration, forgive me, I know you care I just cannot, I cannot get near him! I need you to help me Glorfindel. Please."

"Do you not think I have already been encouraging it?" He says sadly now. "He will not listen to me Legolas. He keeps me at arms length. He is convinced I seek to control him."

I realise then I need to tell him of Elrohir's theory. I have been negligent not to do so before now.

"Elrohir thinks the sealonging plays with the mind." I say, "He thinks it seeks to twist things, to break down the ties that keep you here, to destroy them and force you to the other side. He thought it did that to me, the way I saw my friendship with Aragorn, my relationship with Elrohir. I believed there was no hope for either of them. It was not true."

Glorfindel stares at me, his face expressionless. He is a blank slate and I cannot read him.

"A creative theory, I have never heard that."

"But perhaps it works upon Elladan now if he does not trust you?...why would he be worried about control when it has never bothered him before? It wants to separate the two of you for if he does not have you he is more likely to sail."

"You make it sound as if it has a mind of it's own!" He was disbelieving. "It is not a thing alive, it does not have a brain."

"I know! I know that it does not...but it felt like it...sometimes it felt like it did have. When I was at my weakest, my lowest, when my distance from Aragorn was uppermost in my mind or my fears Elrohir would leave me, then it was at its worst, then the call across the sea was almost irresistible. I know it is unheard of but it does make sense to me Glorfindel."

Glorfindel sighs then, heavily, and rubs his temples with his hands as if his head aches.

"He is not himself, that is true, and he will not listen. He holds me at arms length. He is prickly and tense, I must watch everything I say to him."

"Do not let it succeed Glorfindel!' I say in alarm, "I must leave with Aragorn tomorrow, there is no delaying it, If I cannot get him to cooperate this evening you must bring him to me in Minas Tirith, you and Elrohir. He will try to push you away and you must _not_ let him!"

Glorfindel throws his arm around me then, his sudden anger with me has drained away as if it never was, but for all he smiles at me, he radiates a sadness that originates at the heart of him.

"Fear not Legolas," his smile is a small fleeting one, "No sealonging will come between Elladan and I."

But I know what it did to my relationship with Elrohir. Glorfindel is strong and determined, I can only hope he is strong enough.

We walk then, through the gardens, back to our rooms, and we talk companionably on the way. The sun warms my back and reminds me once again that, Elladan aside, things are good for me now.

"Do you look forward to your trip then?" Glorfindel asks, "with Aragorn and Gimli."

"I do!" I am surprised how much I do in fact. "It has been a long time since it has been the three of us together and Aragorn and I have been sundered too long. I _do_ look forward to it. Even if it means leaving Elrohir-"

I stop then, mid sentance, for I have seen something. We stand upon a rise and below us, in an alcave across the garden, two others stand, close and intimate, heads together and smiles on their faces. They do not see us, but something draws me to look down upon them. I know the man, the elleth I do not remember seeing before, I am transfixed, I cannot take my eyes from them for it is Elrohir who stands there, Elrohir who lifts his hand to brush hair from her eyes, Elrohir who leans his forehead against hers.

My stomach churns.

"Legolas!" I jump and realise Glorfindel has been speaking to me, He stands still now, head tilted, looking at me oddly.

"Forgive me, I did not hear you,"

He comes to stand beside me, looking down, as I do, on the garden below.

"Who is that?" I ask, trying to keep my voice light, I do not care...I do not care...

"Elhadrel," replies Glorfindel," She has been visiting from Lothlorien since Celeborn was last here." He seems unconcerned with what he sees, but then, they have moved away from each other now, though the elleth still gazes up at Elrohir with shining eyes. He has turned so his back is towards me, I can see the sheath of jet black hair falling down his back but I cannot see his face, does he look at her the same?

I do not care...

"They have known each other a long time," Glorfindel continues conversationally, as uninterested as he would be if we discussed the weather. "We speculated they might marry once upon a time. Elrond would have been happy with it as a match...but then..." He turns to me with a wicked grin,

"But then a wild woodelf came to Imladris and snared his heart. She had no hope after that!" I smile back because I know he expects it but I find I lack his confidence. The woodelf of which he speaks, of course is me.

"In truth, I do not think Elrohir was ever serious about her, he was serious about so little then and she seemed to me far too boring for him." He finishes and turns away as if the conversation is done.

I turn back to where they still stand. The intimacy that was between them has vanished. Glorfindel obviously did not see it, he is unruffled, at ease with it all. They stand now and talk as two old friends should talk, even I can see no wrong in it, nothing to threaten me. But I did see it, before, the way he touched her, their closeness, it was love that shone between them then.

Elrohir and I have been blissful these last few days. He has showered me with love and care. He has forgiven me Elladan. I have no reason to doubt him, none at all, and yet I do.

Deep in my gut twists a sliver of jealousy and I do not like it. I am not a jealous creature. Elrohir and I have spent long years during which we have had other lovers and I have never once felt like this. It is my silvan nature to understand this, and yet I do not.

"Come Legolas, I am hungry and dinner will soon be served." Glorfindel calls over his shoulder and walks away, and so I take one last look at the figures below me, too close, too intimate, too loving they are, and I reluctantly follow.

And the jealousy crawls within me and slowly, softly, gently it attacks my happiness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Elrohir**

Legolas will be leaving in the morning. I have tried not to think on it but it is inevitable. Tonight we have a farewell dinner, my brothers, Legolas and Gimli...and Glorfindel. The last few days it has been impossible to separate Glorfindel from Elladan. He is always there, watching him. I will not think on Elladan I tell myself, not tonight, for I cannot think about him without it causing me pain.

The mood is jovial and the wine flows, Estel and Gimli especially, are overflowing with good humour. It is clear they look forward to their journey and I do not blame them. It will do them good, the three of them, to travel together without the rest of us. It was an inspired idea of Legolas'. As hard as it will be to let him go, I do it willingly.

Legolas himself has been transformed these last few days. Slowly he has uncurled from the ball of misery he was until I hardly recognise him and I realise just how long it has been since I have seen him as he should be. It has been a slow, insidious decline for him dating back far before the attack I initially thought was the cause. How could I not have seen it before now? Why was I so blind?

Tonight, however, he is not quite right, not quite the creature of light he should be. A bit too quiet, a bit too introverted and thoughtful for me to be completely happy. I wonder if our impending separation bothers him, or perhaps it is worry about travelling with Aragorn that accosts him at the last minute? That would not surprise me and I determine to speak with him about it when we are alone. He keeps too many secrets and I will let him do that no longer. For now I watch carefully, he will not fool me into thinking he is well when he is not, again.

"Will you just leave it Glorfindel!"

At the other end of the table my brother erupts, slamming his plate down with a crash, causing us all to turn to him in surprise.

"Elladan, if you would just see sense-"

Glorfindel is pleading with him and I know what it will be about. He wishes him to allow Legolas to reclaim his sealonging. I must admit I am relieved to see Elladan refuse so adamantly for I could not bear to see Legolas burdened again, so soon after I nearly lost him. But I am torn, I do not want my brother to suffer either, as much as he has hurt me. He is still my brother. Why can the Valar not leave us alone?

Whatever it is Glorfindel has been saying to him Elladan has obviously had enough.

"Let it go Glorfindel, you know nothing about this!" he pushes back his chair angrily, "I do not answer to you."

"Elladan, if you would just-" Legolas reaches across the table towards him, his face anguished and my heart breaks for them both, for Elladan will not listen.

Instead he hits Legolas' hands away from him.

"I have told you, no!" and he pushes past me to leave the room.

As he goes I reach out, I don't know why. Since we have returned I have kept my distance, I have shut him out, and this is the first time we have touched in days, our bond has lain neglected due to the walls I have erected around me. But something about his desperation to keep Legolas from him, and the look of fear on Legolas' face as he does so makes me want to hold him. My fingers brush against his as he leaves and we connect. I take him unawares and he is not prepared for our bond after so long without it. There are no walls around him. Instead I am hit, as if by a blow, with the sea. A raging, churning, mass of waves and breeze and gulls. It makes me struggle for breath and there is no Elladan anywhere. As quick as we connect he snatches his hand from mine leaving me gasping.

"Where are you?" I cry, because throughout that connection, although it was brief, I could not feel his essence anywhere.

"I am here, can you not see me?" He says flatly, and then he turns and leaves.

Glorfindel stands to follow although he must know it will end in disaster, and I glance at Legolas who looks haunted and anxious, as he stares at the door which slams behind Elladan's departing back. I know, as much my brother has hurt me, it should be me who does this, it should be me who follows, and for Legolas' sake I will.

"I will go." I say, standing, placing a hand on Glorfindel's shoulder to halt him. "Let me do this."

For a moment I think he will protest, but he does not, he steps aside and lets me go.

"Elrohir...do not-" Legolas calls after me, his words strangling to a halt, but I know what it is he wants to say, do not lose your temper, do not hurt him, do not unleash your anger. I hope I can manage it, I want to...but can I? The anger within me is deep and bitter.

I am awash with tension by the time I arrive at my brothers room and the door swings open aggressively when I push it, perhaps too hard. This is not a good start and Elladan looks up in surprise at my entry, perhaps it was Glorfindel he expected? He must have known one of us would follow him.

"Why are you here?" he asks me and I can see fear in his eyes, is he afraid of me...or my answer?

"What was that?" I go on the attack, hoping to prise some information out of him by taking him unawares. "I felt the sea. Is that what it is like for you? I could not even sense you amongst it."

"You did not look closely enough then for I am here." He brushes his fingers across my face, the briefest of touches and I do feel him then, however it is not the calm Elladan I am used to but an agony of turmoil.

"Perhaps you did not wish to see me," he continues, "for it is you who have shut me out. Still I will take what I can, at least you are still here, even if you despise me."

"I do not! I have told you I love you...were you not listening? That is why your betrayal hurt, because I love you." I wonder how I have ended up having to defend myself?

He laughs and it is bitter to the core.

"Do not pretend to me Elrohir. I have never felt as apart from you as I have these last few days."

I grow frustrated then for why does he not understand?

"I am doing what you asked of me," I cry, " I have to shut you out so I do not hurt you. I am trying to have control, to not let my anger cause me to do damage when I do not wish it. I nearly lost Legolas because of it, I will not lose you."

For years and years he has told me I must have more control of myself, that I cannot act first and regret later and now I am attempting to do so he does not understand.

"You hate me. I do not blame you." He turns away from me and suddenly I know what is happening here. This is the sea, seeking to divide us.

I grasp his shoulder and turn him back to face me. I am desperate to make him understand this. I _must_ do this.

"This is not real, Elladan, what you are feeling. It is the sea! It is telling you lies." but he will not listen.

"The look on your face when Legolas told you what we had done was real. Tell me it was not."

I am struck then by inspiration, I have felt the sea within him. I have never felt even a fraction of it within Legolas but with Elladan it is different, our bond is different, a part of us, as if we are two halves of a whole and I can reach it. I can take it! I can save them both!

"I will take the sea from you." I cry in excitment and he recoils.

"You will not! You are not meant to have it, it will destroy you completely and I will not let that happen."

But now the idea has occurred to me I am determined. I grasp his hand firmly, before he can move out of my reach and search our bond for the sea, but this time I do not find it, he is prepared and he has buried it deep within himself. All there is is Elladan and he is angry. His red hot anger surges around me. Still I am not that easily defeated, not when the life of my brother depends upon me and so I push, harder, deeper, into his mind and his soul, where is it? It must be somewhere! He cannot hide it from me forever.

"Get out!" He pushes me forcibly away, out of his mind and across the room so I hit the wall with a thud.

"How dare you! How dare you violate me! Do you hate me that much you would destroy me?" he is screaming with rage and I am, for a moment, still confused at finding myself outside of him. This time it is he who shuts _me_ out.

"I do not hate you, Let me in Elladan, let me help you." I plead when I have recovered my senses but all I get is a fist to the face which makes me see stars. It hurts.

"You do not have the right to help yourself to my mind!" he is crying now, tears streaming down his face and I am at a loss, I do not know what to do and it tears me apart, I always know what to do when it is Elladan. My cheek stings and I cradle it with my hand.

"Get out." Elladan shoves me towards the door, "Why did you even come here if it was only to hurt me?"

"I came to help you," I say, one last attempt to reach him, but he does not hear me. He hears only the whispers of the sea in his ears that tell him that I hate him.

"Leave me alone! Never do that again!"

Those are the last words I hear as the door slams behind me and I lean back against it wondering just how that ended up going so very wrong.

"Your visit was not a success then." Glorfindel says quietly, from where he stands a few feet down the corridor.

"Obviously not." I reply angrily, my hand still on my cheek where I can feel the bruise forming. "I tried to find the sea within him and he is unhappy with me."

"I would say unhappy is an understatement." Glorfindel smiles at me sadly, as he reaches beyond me to the door handle.

"You are not going in there! It will end in a mess Glorfindel! He will not listen to you."

"I will not try to make him listen," he says. " Not now when there is no chance he will hear me. I go to offer comfort for he needs it. Do not worry for me."

And before I can stop him he is gone. I am in awe of his courage for I do not think I would be brave enough to face my brother now, but there are no shouts from behind the door, no signs of an argument.

And I hope he is right as I walk away, I hope he can comfort where I could not.

 **P.S. Many thanks to my guest reviewer on the last chapter. It was MUCH appreciated! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Elrohir**

After my run in with my brother I do not want to return to the others and their celebrations. Instead I return to my room to lick my wounds and brood upon my stinging cheek. I am surprised to find Legolas already there.

He sits upon the rail of my balcony in a way that makes me nervous, so precarious is he, draped right on the edge, legs dangling. But I resist the urge to cry out in alarm. He is quite safe, I know, no matter how dangerous it looks to me.

He turns towards me as I enter and his eyes widen in surprise.

"What has happened?" He leaps from his perch and crossesthe floor to stand in front of me, reaching out then to brush his fingers gently across my rapidly forming bruise.

I smile at him despite the tumouluous emotions churning through me. He will worry about this and I do not want that.

"Elladan was not that pleased to see me."

He deflates before my eyes.

"This is my fault," he murmurs.

"No!" I catch his hands in mine, "It is not your fault, what the two of us do. We have fought before and we will fight again and it is nothing to do with you."

"It is everything to do with me. Why did he hit you? Tell me you did not lose your temper with him."

It hurts that he immediately thinks that is what I have done but he has so recently been on the receiving end of my loss of control I suppose I cannot blame him.

"No, I felt his sealonging... It is a raging, terrible thing Legolas and I tried to take it. But he hid it from me and he calls it a violation."

He is horrified.

"You cannot take it! It will destroy you."

"That is what he said, anyway," I wave my

hand dismissively, "You can see just how successful I was."

I can see the worry, guilt and anguish edging their way across his face and I do not wish our last night together to be spent like this so I attempt to distract him.

"Let us not speak of this," I say gently. "You must trust that Glorfindel and I will watch over Elladan." I remember then his distraction at dinner and that I had vowed to speak with him about it. Now that I look carefully at him he is obviously tense, the lightness that had returned to him these last few days seems to have disappeared.

"How are you?" I reach out to gently stroke his hair, "You did not seem yourself at dinner."

To my surprise he almost flinches from my touch and spins on his heels, walking back to his place by the balcony. He leans out, gazing over the gardens, the moonlight strikes his face, making him glow, he is so beautiful it takes my breath away.

"I am alright." he says, but he does not look at me when he says it.

"Is it Estel who worries you? This trip will go well, I am sure of it. The two of you will be closer at the end of it."

I move behind him and encircle him with my arms. If there is anyway I can ease his mind I will try to. At first he tenses at my touch, as if he would pull away and that surprises me, but then he relaxes back against me. Perhaps he tries to distance himself in anticipation of our separation?

"I will come to see you in Ithilien as soon as I can." I hope it is enough to reassure.

We stand there in silence, the only sound the softness of his breath and then he speaks.

"Do you love me?"

I am taken aback and confused by that question, so out of the blue as it is, and I hesitate. Why does he ask me this? Have I not already told him this over and over these last few days?

"Of course," I say when I regain my composure, "You know that. Have I not shown you? Why do you doubt me?"

He pulls himself out of my embrace then and turns to look at me.

"Why did you hesitate?"

"Because I was not expecting you to ask me that. We have covered this, I would have sailed with you...I still will if you need to! I don't understand."

"Forget I said it then." he walks away, back in to my room and throws himself on the bed.

"You are probably right, I am just anxious about how things will go with Aragorn."

This is easier ground and so although a part of me knows I should probably pursue this sudden lack of faith in our love, I do not. It must be just nerves. He knows the depth of my love for him. Instead of prodding for more information I lie on the bed beside him, picking up one of his braids and twisting it idly through my fingers, his hair is so soft.

"Tell me about your life before I met you." he says suddenly, jolting me out of my thoughts.

"What?" I raise myself up on my elbows to stare at him.

"Why do you ask that?"

"I want to know." I see a challenge in his eyes, as if he is daring me to tell him something, but what?

"You know about my life, I have already told you... everybody knows about it."

His eyes slide off my face as he looks away,

"So you won't speak of it then."

And I am left feeling I have somehow disappointed him.

"Of course I will, I have no secrets, what do you want to know exactly? Ask me and I will tell you."

"Did you love anyone before me?"

This is a very strange question, and I wonder why he asks it, why are we back, once again, talking about our love?

Still it is also amusing and so I laugh.

"You know what a ridiculous suggestion that is!" I splutter, trying to compose myself,

"Can you not remember what I was like? I was a mess, my father despaired of me, I moved from one lover to the next with abandon!"

"I remember.." He says softly but there is no amusement in his voice,

"Still amongst them all were there none you loved?"

"Not love such as I love you! The moment I met you I was ensnared, you know this."

He pauses and I can tell he hesitates to say something. He is debating if he should and he obviously decides to.

"Do you still see any of them then?"

"Around here, yes, they have mostly moved on, as I have, but it is hard to avoid them. As you would find it difficult in the Greenwood I imagine. Anyway why would I not see them?"

He is chewing his lip and that is not a good sign.

"Legolas, why are we even discussing this?"

He rolls away from me then, He seems upset but for the life of me I cannot understand what it is he would be upset about. I am missing something here, something that just slides out of my reach when I approach it, and as I reach out to him this time there is no mistaking the fact he pulls himself away from me.

"I am tired," he says rising to his feet, "I think I will go to my own bed tonight, for tomorrow I travel and I need sleep."

Now he definately avoids me and I will not have it.

"No!" I grab his hand and hold it firm, "We are about to be parted, I would have you here with me tonight...I need you here. I will let you sleep if that is really what you wish but sleep here, with me," I wait for his agreement and when it does not come, I beg,

"Please..."

His eyes are so sad it hurts my heart to look at him. What is going on here?

"Legolas, have I done something wrong? If I have, please tell me so I can mend it."

I watch as he slowly lets out a shuddering breath.

"I don't know what is wrong with me," he says in the end, "I don't know why these doubts suddenly plague me."

"You need have no doubts over me." I say cupping his face in my hand.

"This must be just nerves and tension, that is all. Stay here and sleep with me so I can ease them. It will be alright Legolas. I promise. Gimli will be with you."

I am certain now this is all about his journey and his worry that his friendship with Aragorn will not be able to be repaired.

"I feel...odd." he says and sits back down on the bed with a thud.

A frisson of fear runs through me. I remember him collapsing before me just days ago. Aragorn put that down to stress but what if it was more than that?

"Are you well?" I am suddenly filled with anxiety, "Shall I call the others?"

He shakes his head,

"I am well, it is just...my mind feels odd."

He rubs his forehead with his hand and I realise he looks terribly tired.

"You are overthinking things Legolas, here..." I join him on the bed once again, leaning back on the pillows, and pulling him to rest against me.

"Let me help you relax," I say and I begin to massage the knots and tension from his shoulders. I can feel his muscles twist beneath my fingers, they are so tight, there is so much worry here.

"You are good at this," he says and I can feel him relax as he speaks, it is good to know I help him,

"Of course, you know I am!" I whisper in his ear, and it is gratifying to see him smile.

I continue my ministrations and slowly, gently, the tension flows from him, he says something then, so softly I have to bend my ear near to hear him,

"Perhaps it was not real," he murmers, "Glorfindel did not see it."

"What did Glorfindel not see?" I ask for I am curious and I realise too late when he jerks at the sound of my voice, that he was half asleep.

"What?" his voice is thick with the beginnings of sleep and confusion.

"Nothing..." I say, "Go back to sleep," for it was obviously the beginnings of a dream, and nestled up against me, he does.

He awakes with the first light of dawn and what a transformation. He is light, and joy, love and mischief. The Legolas I first knew all those years ago, long before the quest. The young Legolas who entered my life and swept me off my feet. All traces of his anxiety and worry seem to have vanished overnight and I am glad. I want to be able to see him off on his journey like this, not the pale ghost of himself he was last night.

"I love you." he whispers as we say farewell, "You will follow quickly?"

"I will have Elladan in Minas Tirith for you as soon as I can," I say with a smile for his joy is contagious today. "before he knows what hit him. Do not worry, he is precious to me, I will keep him safe from the sealonging."

"It was you who did not know what hit him." he grins brushing his fingers across the mark on my face, and we laugh at that together. When he is like this his laughter makes me feel light enough to fly. I am bursting with love for him.

And so I watch him go, on his way with his friends and he turns back to watch me before they all turn the corner and disappear. His face is light, and his eyes are full of love,

He is happy.

Last night was a blip, an aberration, and so I put it out of my head for I will not dwell on his sadness.

All is well and life is good.

 **Thanks for reading :)**

 **Reviews gratefully accepted!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors Note: To my lovely Guest reviewer, Thanks for you wonderful reviews! Wish I could answer you personally, but this is just to let you know they were much appreciated. Glad you like it so far and I hope you find and enjoy this chapter too!**

 **Legolas**

Leaving Imladris this time is difficult, and yet at the same time, exhilarating. I don't want to go, I have just rediscovered Elrohir, he has always been there but things between us had become so changed and now, now it is like it was when I first found him, when we were young, before the world came between us. I do not want to go.

But then, ahead of me lies the promise of Aragorn. The chance we can take our friendship and build it anew. That chance lights me with a fire of hope, for being sundered from him has caused me much pain.

I awake the morning of our departure with excitement, the doubts and worries of the night before have vanished while I slept. Whatever it was I saw must have been an illusion, a trick of my mind, for I know Elrohir loves me. I _know_ it. I have no reason to doubt him, I do not doubt him, not in this moment. He smiles at me and his eyes are lit with love. He has forgiven me all the wrongs I have done him. I am blessed to have him and I rejoice in it.

There is only one cloud upon my horizon and that is Elladan, I go, before I leave, to attempt one last time to change his mind but Glorfindel intercepts me.

"Leave it Legolas." he says placing a hand firmly on my chest so I cannot move past him.

"I must try once more," I say, "I can see he is struggling, it comes between him and Elrohir, too long have I come between them."

But Glorfindel is adamant, he will not be swayed.

"You will achieve nothing today. Trust me. I have this in hand."

He is so commanding, so convincing, that I do trust him. I let it go, if only I had persevered would things have been different?

And so we take our leave, Aragorn, Gimli and I, on our trip to recapture times past. I look back over my shoulder as we go and watch, before he is gone from my sight, Elrohir, who stands, alight with love, I am not yet gone and yet I cannot wait to return to him.

Our trip is as successful as he promised me it would be. Free from the ever watching eyes of Aragorn's guards, from the protocol that binds us so tightly, we relax and rejoice in each other. It is exactly as it was except better, for we are no longer pursued by darkness as we were last time we travelled here. We are free to meander, to roam as we will. The days move on and Aragorn and I, we do find ourselves again. I wonder sometimes when we are sharing a joke, usually at poor Gimli's expense, how I ever convinced myself he was lost to me. Did I have any control over my own thoughts then?

I am happy. It has been a long time since I could say this but I am finally, truly happy.

It is a few days before it starts, before the doubts, the worry, the jealousy begin to creep their way across my mind. It is a dream that begins it, a dream in which I relive that scene in Imladris, where I looked down upon Elrohir and his once upon a time lover. Why my subconscious chooses that path to wander while I sleep I do not know. I look down, I see their intimacy, their touch, as I did before, but this time Glorfindel is not there with me, the intimacy does not vanish as it did before but intensifies until I have to turn my head, I cannot watch.

I am woken then, in a cold sweat. Aragorn crouches down beside me, his face concerned.

"Forgive me for waking you," he says, "Your dreams did not seem pleasant ones."

It takes a while for me to realise it was only a dream. It felt so real. I shake my head to try to rid myself of it, and Aragorn places a hand on my shoulder.

"Do you want to speak of it?"

I hesitate, perhaps I should tell him of this. He can help me dismiss it for it is surely nonsense. But a voice whispers in my ear, 'he will only lie to protect his brother,' and so I stay silent.

"No," I say cautiously, "It is only the past, we travel through roads we have trod before. It comes back to haunt me, it is nothing." and he accepts that with a smile,

"It is all behind us Legolas."

"I know that."

His friendship warms me but later, as we ride, the dream comes back to me. Why was it different, why so vivid? Why did I imagine more than I had seen? Because perhaps that is how it is now you are not there... my inner voice whispers ...now he does not have to hide it from you, now he is free to be with who he wishes?

The idea is ridiculous. I am not a seer. I have no gift of foresight, I cannot see the future or places where I am not, but still I dwell on it until it invades my every waking moment. What does Elrohir do in Imladris now that I am not there?

I become withdrawn and sullen and my companions watch me with concern, I know it, but I cannot keep my mind from Elrohir and his lady love, for I have convinced myself that is what she is.

We are but a day away from home when Aragorn approaches me one evening as I sit and stare moodily into the river we camp beside.

"You are quiet tonight." he says, sitting down beside me.

"Is all well?"

"Well enough." I know I should at least attempt to be more my usual cheerful self but I do not have the energy.

"The closer we come to home, the quieter you become, does something worry you?"

I know he speaks only from love for me but something inside me makes me attack. I do not know where my next words come from.

"Home?" I sneer, "It is your home but not mine. But of course you have ensured I no longer have a home to go to, haven't you."

He blinks in shock for I gave him no warning of my temper, in truth I had no warning of it myself but now it consumes me. I am a churning mass of anger.

"Ithilien is your home, Legolas," he says quietly after a pause, "Your people who love you are there."

"It is not my home! My home is the Greenwood and I have no people there, no father, none who love me. I can not even tarry there for you have seen to it I will find no peace. You have destroyed me with your sealonging!"

I know this will hurt him. I know he blames himself for my sealonging and over and over I have argued with him that it is not his fault. Yet suddenly that is how I feel, that all of this is down to him, if I had not followed him, if I had not listened to him, If I had not loved him, I would still be free and Elrohir would be mine.

"Legolas..." He gasps softly in shock, "Do you mean this?"

"Of course I mean it! Why did you do this? Is it simply to keep Elrohir and I apart?" I spit my words with venom, "You will be pleased to know you have succeeded!"

He stares at me in horror and I feel joy at his pain, but within me struggles a voice that asks me why I do this...why do I hurt him?

"Legolas! What goes on here?"

It is Gimli, he has heard my raised voice and come to investigate. At the sound of him, my anger bleeds away, as if it spills out of me onto the ground.

I am left speechless, what am I doing? Why do I speak to my friend, my beloved friend like this? What am I even angry about? He was only trying to help me. None of this is his fault.

"Aragorn?" When I do not answer him Gimli turns his attention to Aragorn who still stands, staring at me white faced. The sight of him breaks my inertia.

"Forgive me!" I gasp, "I do not know where that came from. I do not mean it, you must believe me."

The words spill out of me in desperation, we have been so reunited, what if I have spoiled it all, spoiled it all because of what?

He does not answer me.

"Aragorn," I plead, "I am sorry, I am tired, I do not know what is wrong with me, please say you will not listen to my bitter words. None of it is true."

I feel tears spill down my face, have I destroyed it, his love for me? All that we have so painstakingly built on this journey?

Gimli is beside me now, his face etched with worry,

"Now lad," he pats me on the arm, "What is up with you? Have you not been sleeping? Aragorn, fix this!"

Finally Aragorn moves towards me then, but I cannot read his eyes.

"Are you sure you are well?" He says quietly, "Is there nothing you are keeping from me?"

'Tell him' I think, 'Tell him of Elrohir.' but something holds me back and I find I cannot. Even my thoughts of Elrohir's betrayal seem ridiculous now. He loves me and me alone, why have I been thinking anything else?

Instead I collapse in contrition and weep,

"Tell me I have not ruined it all." I cry between sobs.

He places his arms around me then and holds me.

"You have ruined nothing," he murmers in my ear, " but I would know what has caused this, for I think it is more than fatigue."

"Gimli is right, I have not been sleeping, my dreams have been troubled," I will confess to this at least and he knows it is true. "I do not know where that came from, I am not myself."

He sighs gently then,

"Why did you not tell me? Tonight I will give you something and you can sleep with pleasant dreams. You only had to ask."

And so we continue as if it had not happened, when night comes he offers me his bitter tasting medicine and I take it gratefully for I am sick of nights spent reliving watching Elrohir and his betrayal. As I drift towards artificial sleep I hear them talking,

"What happened?" Gimli says "What was that?"

"I do not know," Aragorn replies and I can hear the worry in his voice.

"It was strange and I am not sure it is as simple as he attempts to make us believe. We will see how he is in the morning with some rest. I will reassess things then."

And then sleep finally takes me and I know no more.

In the morning when I awake it is as if my world has been washed clean. The rest has done me good and my spirits are high, but Aragorn, of course, pins me down.

"What was yesterday about?" he asks when he is sure, because of my buoyant mood, I will not turn on him.

I am as honest with him as I can be.

"I do not know, it was as if I was outside of myself, even as I said the words I wondered why I said them. Perhaps it is worry at returning home? Today, all is better."

He frowns in concern.

"Why did you not tell me the extent of your lack of sleep? Will you never learn?"

"It did not seem that important," I shrug and he rolls his eyes at me which makes me laugh.

"Tell me you will not take what I said to heart," I say then, as at our closeness I am suddenly overtaken by a wash of anxiety.

"I did not mean it, not a single word."

There is a pause before he answers, a pause which to me seems to stretch on endlessly,

"I do not take them to heart, Legolas, but I would have you come to me with problems rather than hide them and it bothers me that you do not."

Now is my chance, now is my opportunity to confess all, to tell him of my problems with Elrohir, to let him help me, but something inside me prevents it. Today, on this bright morning with home within reach my worries seem far away, a figment of my imagination and I cannot bring myself to admit them. I will look an idiot.

And so I keep my own counsel and my thoughts to myself.

And the jealousy, although it is but a tiny thing this beautiful day, still twists within me turning all to dust.


	5. Chapter 5

**Elladan**

My brother and I sit at the table in silence. So much of our time is spent in silence now. We used to share everything but now, now we share nothing. I have walled myself off from him, strong, impenetrable walls of steel he cannot defeat. I will not risk another attack by him upon my psyche. While things have been better between us since Legolas' departure his dislike of me still simmers. I know it. And so we only speak of superficial things, or like today, nothing.

It is breakfast time and Glorfindel is with us, he too says nothing but I know he is watching... always watching me. He will not let me out of his sight so intense is his need to control me.

I have a headache this morning. In truth I have a headache most mornings now as the sea pounds against me constantly. How Legolas bore this for so long I do not know. My head plays a beat in time with my heart and it is so tiring, yet I must keep going. I cannot give this up.

Erestor steps into the room breaking our gloomy silence.

"I have mail!" he announces and Elrohir is instantly all attention.

"For me?" he asks and beams as Erestor tosses a letter his way, but then his face falls, for it is from our brother instead of the one he wished for. Legolas has sent him no letters, not a single one since his departure. I know for a fact Elrohir has bombarded him with them and there has been no response.

I glance down to the two letters Erestor has placed in front of me. I do have a letter from Legolas. I get them weekly, pleading with me to go to Minas Tirith, long intricate arguments as to why I should surrender his sealonging. At first I answered with my own reasons why I will not. I do not bother now and yet still the letters come and I still read them.

The other is from Estel and I know it will have one from Arwen inside it. I think I will read them later when I am alone and can cherish them. The thought of Arwen brings tears to my eyes. Right now she is my beacon in the dark, calmness and love, and my time with her is running out. I have been fighting so hard not to go to Minas Tirith. They are all at me, Legolas, Glorfindel, Elrohir, and I resist. But every day I stay away is a day of Arwen that is lost to me.

Perhaps I am wrong to fight so hard to stay away.

I sigh and open Legolas' letter knowing already what it will contain. I am not wrong. Still he has taken the time to write it and so I will read it. When I lower it Elrohir watches me with desperation.

"Does he mention me?"

He does not of course, not a word.

"I am sorry brother."

"Can I see..."

I am hit then, by a sudden surge of bad temper. Does he doubt us? Is he thinking I would betray him again.

"What do you think is in there?" I snap,

"Love messages? Do you seek to spy on us because you do not trust us?"

He is horrified.

"No! No Elladan, never. I do not think that, I just want to..." his voice trails off and yet he looks at the letter as if he would devour it, such longing is there and my temper drains away as I watch him.

"Here," I push the letter across the table towards him. "Read it if you wish."

"No." he is adamant now and pushes it back at me. I will not have you thinking I doubt you...or Legolas."

I take his hand then and force the letter into it letting down my walls, just a touch, as I do so. It is so long since I have connected with him but I do now, to try and soothe his battered spirit.

"Read it Elrohir. I know you trust me. Read it and see a glimpse of him."

For I know that is what he wants, that is why he looks at the letter with such desperate need. To see if he can capture the a part of Legolas through the words. The separation with no contact is causing him pain. My anger rushes back at me with that thought for Legolas has caused my brother _so_ much pain through the years. Will he never stop? How dare he leave him here with no news for so long after the trauma he has just endured, when he thought Legolas was lost to him. Does he have no heart?

"Is there anything you can think of, Elrohir, that may have caused this silence?"

It is Glorfindel, the sound of his voice surprises me as I had almost forgotten he was there.

"No." My brother is adamant about this.

"When he left we were happy, he said he loved me and made me promise to follow soon. I have racked my brain Glorfindel but there is nothing...nothing."

"Have you asked Estel...how the trip went, if he knows anything?"

"He said the trip went well, although he mentioned Legolas was not sleeping, they followed routes they had in the past and memories assailed him. But beside that there was nothing to cause him particular concern. I have not asked...I have not told him Legolas does not write..." He trailed off in misery.

"Perhaps you should ask him now." Glorfindel says softly, "Perhaps now is the time," He is right of course. He is always right and mostly I love him for it.

"I will!" Elrohir stands abruptly, "I will write now." And he turns to leave, Legolas' letter still

in his hand. I know when he is away from us, in private, he will pour over every inch of that letter looking for clues. I also know he will not find them.

"What will you do today Elladan?" Glorfindel asks casually as I watch my brother leave.

"I will read my letters from Estel and Arwen." My mind is not really on answering him, I am still thinking of Elrohir. "And you?"

"Oh," he pushes back his chair and stands, " if you are busy I will probably help Erestor with his cataloging. He is rather snowed under he tells me."

"Erestor?" Suddenly I am all ears. "You hate that. It bores you to tears. Why would you waste your time with that?"

"Because he is my friend and needs help." Glorfindel looks at me strangely.

"Oh, yes, your _friend._ Forgive me, I forgot." I cannot hide my bitterness and sarcasm.

"Yes Elladan, my friend and that is all." He puts his hand on my shoulder but I throw it off, gather my letters and turn to leave.

"So you tell me." I snap and I slam the door behind me.

Perhaps, I think as I storm down the corridor, going to Minas Tirith would not be such a bad idea after all, if Glorfindel came with me as he keeps suggesting. At least it would get him far away from Erestor.

It is a month at least before we next get mail from Minas Tirith but joy of joys, as I collect it from Erestor, I see a letter for Elrohir and it is undoubtably Legolas' handwriting. I cannot find him fast enough to deliver it.

"Elrohir!" I call across the lawn as I run towards him, "A letter!" I wave it triumphantly above my head.

He looks up and I see hope surge in his eyes,

"From Legolas?"

"Yes!" I deposit it in his lap and collapse on the ground beside him, tearing my letter from Estel open as I do so.

All my excitement and good feeling drains away as I read his words.

 _Dear Elladan,_

 _I tell you this because I hesitate to write it to Elrohir, I think perhaps you will do better telling him face to face,_ my little brother writes.

 _He wrote with worries about Legolas and so I took myself to Ithilien to see him. I thought to hand deliver Elrohir's latest letter myself. What I found causes me concern._

 _Legolas was pleased to see me and apparently himself, although I have learned with him to take outward appearances with a grain of salt. However on mentioning Elrohir he became quite irrational. He is furious with him but on questioning is unable...or unwilling...to tell me why._

 _He tore Elrohir's sealed letter to pieces in front of my eyes. Apparently that has been the fate of all of them._

 _I have retreated, I was getting nowhere and it seemed the wisest thing. But I refused to go until he at least replied to Elrohir. He has conceded on that point at least. Sometimes he can see sense, and I send that letter with these._

 _I am unsure what troubles him but I have grave fears for the state of his mind. His behaviour is erratic, there was an incident on our travels that caused me concern but I allowed him to talk me out of my worry. I fear now that was an error._

 _I am sorry to land these troubles on your doorstep but perhaps it would be wise if you could bring Elrohir here. I will try my best to manage Legolas but some help would be appreciated._

 _With love,_

 _Estel._

I read it three times before I believe it. What is going on? How will I tell Erohir this?

I glance up at him then and find him staring at me blankly, his eyes are full of tears.

"What is it Brother?"

Wordlessly he hands the letter to me. It is obviously from Legolas, one line only of dark angry letters snaking their way across the page.

 **I have nothing to say to you.**

That is all it says, no name, no introduction, no pleasantries. Estel is right, something is badly wrong here.

"What have I done Elladan? Do you know for I can think of nothing."

The pain on my brothers face tears at my heart and an anger at Legolas surges anew within me. How dare he!

"I have to go and see him," Elrohir continues not waiting for me to answer him.

"Please Elladan, please say you will come with me. I cannot do this on my own."

It is the last place I want to go and Legolas is the last person I want to see but I cannot refuse my brother when he is in this much distress. I cannot walk away from him and I owe him.

It seems Legolas has forced my hand.

I have no choice but to go to Minas Tirith and Ithilien now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Authors Note: Thank you, thank you, thank you, to my guest reviewer for your beautiful reviews!**

 **Legolas**

I have been summoned to Minas Tirith. Perhaps ordered is a better way of putting it. The missive from Aragorn did not ask for my presence, he told me I would present myself. It makes me wish to run in the other direction, go and visit Gimli, anything but do as he tells me. But as well as my friend, he is my liege lord here and he did not elaborate as to why he wished to see me. It could be important and I have people under my protection. I have no choice but to go, as well he knows.

I am met at the gates by the Captain of his guards, so I have no opportunity to simply slide off through the city to find my own way to my rooms.

"The King has asked me to escort you to his study My Lord," he says and he will not be swayed by my arguments that I can find the study myself. Obviously Aragorn is giving me no chance to escape.

I do not want to meet him now, I am tired from the road, in fact I am tired all the time. I cannot remember when I last slept. Days, weeks ago, it was I think. For I am haunted by dreams of Elrohir, endless nightmares of him with the lover I saw in Imladris, dreams where he says he does not love me, dreams where he betrays me. I have given up trying to deal with them. Now I just avoid sleep altogether. It has left me drained and exhausted . My mind does not function, I cannot think, and the thoughts I do have make no sense at all. They are jagged, random things that do not fit together.

It feels as though I am unravelling slowly, bit by bit, every day another piece of Legolas disappears.

Still the guard will take no excuses, I have no option but to face Aragorn now.

As soon as the door swings open I see exactly why he has called me here.

He has tricked me.

Elrohir is here.

"Legolas!" He cries and he comes towards me, arms open to embrace me in welcome. I do not want this, I do not! Pictures of him with the girl flit through my mind and I back away, I push him off,

"Dont!"

He stands before me, arms dropped loosely at his side, confusion in his eyes.

"I have missed you." He says quietly.

"I am sure you have." I cannot keep the sarcasm from my voice.

"Legolas, it is good to see you, are you well?"

It is Glorfindel who interrupts our awkward exchange. I am surprised to see him, he never comes here. But then I notice Elladan sat beside him. How did I not see him before -truly sometimes it feels as if I am going mad- so Glorfindel has brought Elladan to me as he promised.

Elladan looks, to my eyes, tired and burdoned, worse than when I saw him last, and I can feel the sea clinging to him from where I stand. My sea. I am over whelmed by a sense of yearning. I want it back, I _must_ have it back!

"Legolas?" I realise suddenly I have not answered Glorfindel and now I cannot remember what it was he asked me. If only my mind would keep it's focus but at the moment I can think of nothing but reclaiming the sea.

"I am sorry?" I have to ask him to repeat himself, and he frowns with concern and rises to stand beside me. His hand on my shoulder.

"Are you well?" He repeats, and his expression is grave.

"Yes." I answer quickly, "Yes I am well." For how do I explain the tiredness, the sorrow and despair from the loss of Elrohir, the strange jumbling of my thoughts into a chaos I cannot find my way through.

"I think all of us here doubt that." It is Aragorn. I am angry with him, how dare he lure me here to face this.

"Doubt all you like," I snap, "It does not make it any less the truth."

Elrohir still stands awkwardly, as if he is unsure what to do next. In the end he indicates the empty chair beside him,

"Will you sit? You look tired." I have no choice, there is nowhere else to sit and I will look an idiot if I remain standing.

"I am tired,"I say, "because I have ridden here at pace thinking some emergency had befallen us and I find it is only Aragorn arranging a family reunion. I am not your family so you could have left me out of it."

"I would have thought you were very much a part of our family." Aragorn replies smoothly, but I am not finished with feeling hard done by and continue to spill my bad feeling.

"Then I am escorted here like a prisoner, when all I wished for was rest. I am a prisoner here Aragorn? Or can I leave of my own accord."

He frowns then and leans forward peering into my eyes.

"You are not a prisioner, obviously Legolas. That is melodramatic. But sometimes I must force you to do what is best for you. We are worried about you."

I leap back to my feet in an instant. I do not want to be here and I do not wish to hear this. A wave of anger, frustration, pain, engulfs me. The words I wish to say swamp me in a confused rush of thoughts, ideas and feelings.

"Do _not_ worry about me. Worry about yourselves. Can I leave? Will you bind me here in chains. Can I go and get the rest I require or will you hold me here until I collapse?"

He sighs then, loudly,

"Go and get rest if it is what you need. I assume I can trust you not to try and flee, that I do not need to assign you a personal guard. Know that I will do if I feel it necessary."

That infuriates me beyond measure, who does he think he is?

"Are you my friend or my jailer, Aragorn?"

"Your friend, always your friend Legolas."

"Then act like one!" I move towards the door, I cannot get out of here fast enough.

Elrohir reaches out as I go, his fingers brushing against my sleeve, but when I spin round to glare at him he drops his arm, and so he should, traitor that he is.

Before I shut the door behind me I hear Aragorn's words to the others, tired, burdoned words.

"You see what I mean." He says. I do not stay longer to hear their response.

Perhaps Elrohir could tell them what he has done. I do not for a moment think he will.

I retreat to my room and the solitude is a relief. I do not wish to face any of them. It hurts too much and I cannot control the emotions that flood my mind. It is as if eveything I think and feel descends upon me at the same time. I try to rest but I cannot sleep and I cannot shut down the constant whirring of my mind. I will not think of Elrohir, I will not, I will not. Of course I do.

I want him to hold me, he would help me sleep, he would take away this confusion, slow down my thoughts, comfort me. But he will not do that, will he for he has found another. Perhaps he has been with her all the time I have known him, behind my back. Perhaps our love has only ever been a charade. I cannot even remember what it felt like any more.

There is a knock on the door, the sound cutting through my thoughts like a knife. I am pleased to be rid of them, they were not pleasant, and so I rise and open the door.

It is Elrohir who stands there. I think I knew it would be him.

"May I come in?" He is hesitant.

I do not answer but wave my arm to indicate he can enter. What is the point of keeping him out? We have to discuss this sometime.

"What is wrong Legolas?" he asks as soon as the door closes behind him.

"What have I done? Please tell me so I can fix it. You are angry, why?"

"Why? You really have to ask me that?"

"Yes," he says solomn and grave. "We were happy and then suddenly...this. I have no clue."

"Who is Elhadrel?" I cut straight to the chase, I will force him to confess.

"Elhadrel?" He pretends confusion but I know it is just a delaying tactic.

"Elhadrel. Your lover. Do not pretend not to know her for I have seen you."

"Elhadrel from Lothlorien?" He laughs then, I have caught him out and he is _laughing_ at me.

"She is a friend of mine, from my youth. She is sweet enough, my father I think wanted to saddle me with her in my wilder days. That would never have worked. She is pleasant enough company but oh so boring."

"A _friend?"_ I wonder why he is bothering to deny this. Does he not have the fortitude to at least be honest?

"Well, a lover at one stage...well before you. Once you came along she became...rather uninteresting!"

"Until lately? Or have you been carrying it on all this time?"

"What are you saying?" His smile vanishes as he realises I will not be fooled.

"I _know,_ Elrohir. There is no point you denying this. I have _seen_ you."

"Seen me what? Talking to her? For that is all I have done with her for years. Have you lost your mind?"

"Only talking?" I know it was more than that. I know it. All the images in my head float past my eyes, all of them more and more explicit, which ones did I actually see and which were dreams? I can no longer tell. I am engulfed by a rush of anger.

"How dare you!" I push at him and it takes him by surprise, he stumbles back into the wall. "How _dare_ you do this to me. How dare you lie. How dare you hurt me like this. Go to her then for I do not want you, I do not _want_ you Elrohir!"

"Legolas..." he holds out his hands, "I do not know what you have seen but it is nothing. She is unimportant. If only you had come to me with this I would have explained. There is only you for this why you have not been answering my letters?"

"You lie!" I am so angry, so very, very, angry, and hurt. My heart aches. I swing at him with my fists for suddenly I wish to make him hurt as much as I am hurting.

I connect with his jaw and he sways back, staggering slightly, holding his hand to his face.

"Get out!" I scream all my rage, all that has bottled up inside for so long. "Get out and stay away from me. I know your betrayal. Just leave me alone...go to her since you want her!" And I advance on him again. I will pound him into a pulp to get rid of this anger.

He backs away, eyes wide, confused, frightened and he fumbles to open the door.

"I have done nothing Legolas, I love you...I will always love you, there is noone else...please!"

But I will not listen to his lies. I do not want to hear it, I know what is true.

"Get out! Get out!" I scream, "Or I will hurt you as I have been hurting. Get out!"

And he does...he turns and runs, slamming the door behind him, leaving me alone, hurt, devastated.

It is true then.

We are over.


	7. Chapter 7

**Elladan**

Estel was not exaggerating when he wrote and told me there was a problem with Legolas. That much is obvious the moment he walks into the room. He looks terrible, tired, as if he has not slept for weeks. When Elrohir approaches him he backs away as if he will burn him. He cannot follow a simple conversation and he attacks Estel with vicious words that make no sense.

He stares at me with an intenseness that is slightly intimidating, as if he could devour me. It is unnerving. He is not at all the Legolas who left Imladris a few short months ago. We do not realise exactly how bad it is however until later, when Elrohir comes charging into my room, eyes wide, face white, he is panicked.

"What is wrong?" Glorfindel leaps to his feet in alarm for Elrohir looks a sight. He holds his hand to his jaw where a bruise is spreading, dark blue against the pallor of his face.

"Legolas...Legolas has lost his mind."

"Did he hit you?" I am up and at his side, he is shaking.

"Yes," he removes his hand so I can see the full extent of the bruise. "He is...I cant explain it Elladan but something is seriously wrong with him. He makes no sense, he would not listen to me. I thought he would kill me."

"You exaggerate Elrohir. I admit he seems not himself but that is a ludicrous suggestion." Glorfindel frowns. "A punch in anger does not equate to doing you real harm." Elrohir has always been prone to exaggeration.

"You were not there!" Elrohir turns on him, "He is insane...delusional even. He accuses me of cheating on him with Elhadrel. He says he has seen us. It is all ridiculous."

"Elhadrel?" Glorfindel suddenly pays more attention, "What did he say he had seen?"

"He would not elaborate, but he believes I have betrayed him with her. He kept saying he had seen us, that I need not lie for he knew it all. He was so angry."

"I was there..." Glorfindel says almost to himself, then he raises his voice to include us. "We did see you with Elhadrel, the day before Legolas left Imladris. He asked who she was."

"What were you doing with her?" I ask, surely he wasn't that foolish as to be messing around wiith her in front of Legolas' eyes. I had thought whatever had been between them was long over.

"Talking, only talking I swear it." Elrohir swings his head to look at Glorfindel, "Tell him! You did not see anything incrimminating, anything that would have suggested to Legolas we were lovers?"

"No." Glorfindel shakes his head. "It was certainly innocent. I saw nothing untoward...but apparently Legolas thinks otherwise. I wonder why?"

"I told you he was delusional!" Elrohir rubs his jaw with his hand, "Delusional and dangerous. I do not know what to do."

"Let me think on this," Glorfindel muses, "Aragorn arranges for us to go hunting tomorrow, all of us. Perhaps Legolas will be more relaxed there, I can maybe speak to him and get to the bottom of it."

"He will likely impale me on an arrow if I am not careful," Elrohir mutters. Glorfindel is right, he does exaggerate, Legolas is surely not that bad. Elrohir has just had a scare, the punch must have unsettled him. I put it down to that anyway.

I find out the next morning just how wrong that assumption was.

I am getting dressed when there is a knock on my door, Glorfindel has gone with Estel to the stables to ready the horses and Elrohir is... well I am unsure exactly where he is, in fact at first I think the knock on the door will be him. It is not, it is Legolas.

He looks as tired and weary as he did the day before. A nights rest seems to have done him no good at all. Obviously this tiredness is something more than just the result of the ride here, something more substantial.

"May I come in?" He asks and of course I let him in, I have no reason not to.

He looks at me with that unnerving hunger, the same way he did earlier.

"I need you to give me the sea-longing," he says bluntly, there is no good morning, no introduction.

"I have told you again and again I will not Legolas. Nothing has changed."

I need it!" He cries, "It is mine, it is not yours to keep. You stole it from me!"

"I did not steal it," he is making me nervous and I begin to back away. "Do you not remember what it did to you? You could not survive if I had not intervened. You came to me begging for help."

"It will be different now," he says earnestly. "I know what it can do. I will master it." and he advances towards me.

"No Legolas, if I return it to you you will have to sail. That will destroy Elrohir. I will not do it."

Nothing has changed, I tell myself, nothing at all. The sea longing consumed Legolas and spat him out. He was a shell of his real self. I am not prepared to revisit that. I am doing a much better job of handling it myself.

"It will not destroy him." His voice is cold and bitter. "You do not have to worry about that any longer. There is no Elrohir and I. He has someone else."

"He does not! He has spoken to me about this Legolas. There is nothing between him and Elhadrel."

"He lies to you as well then." He shakes his head and I begin to see what Elrohir was talking about when he said Legolas had lost his mind. He is quite impossible to argue with.

"He does not lie." I sigh, "What purpose would that serve? We have no secrets between us."

Legolas laughs then, and it is a harsh sound, completley unlike his usual bright laughter.

"No secrets? What were we then?"

I cannot answer that for he is right, the only time I have kept a secret from my brother and Legolas was at the heart of it.

"Give me my sealonging." He comes closer, so close I can feel his breath warm upon my face. He is really quite threatening and I am nervous. "Give it to me Elladan. I have to have it back." Suddenly I realise he does not ask this for my sake as he has before, he is not worried about me. He wants it for himself, he genuinely wants it. Why would that be? Can he not remember how it nearly destroyed him?

"No Legolas I will not." I stand my ground but I wonder also what I can do if he attacks me, if I am put in a position where I have to hurt him, but I will not back down.

He watches me then, his eyes glint as they roam over me, what is he thinking? Then suddenly, lightening fast, before I can avoid him, his lips are on mine, his arms are around me and he is kissing me. It is delicious. It lits a fire within me, but it is wrong, so wrong!

"No!" I cry as I push him off me, he maybe strong but I am stronger. He is lithe and graceful but I am Peredhel. I will always have the greater strength.

"What are you doing? This is wrong!"

"You _know_ you want this. Why fight it?"

"Whether I want it or not is immaterial. What about Elrohir! We will not do this. _I_ will not do this."

"I told you," Legolas sighs, "There is no more Elrohir and I, it is over. We do not have to worry about him now."

"He is right!" I gasp, "You are crazy!"

"Come on Elladan," he reaches out and runs his hand gently down my arm, "I am not crazy to want this. You are beautiful. We have a connection, tell me you do not feel it too."

He is right. We _do_ have a connection. There is something special between us, a possibility. But it is a possibility we can never explore because of the damage it will do my brother.

"You are not yourself Legolas, what about Glorfindel!" I desperately search my mind for reasons that will cut through this madness and enable him to see sense.

But he only frowns angrily at my continued resistance.

"Glorfindel has Erestor why should you not have me?"

"No!" He is scaring me now. This is not right...it is not him...I know the agony the guilt from our last assignation caused him. He does not mean this.

He lashes out then and pushes me away in anger.

"Have it your own way then Elladan." He snarls, "It is your loss, but hear me now. I _will_ take my sealonging back from you. I _will._ It is not yours to keep."

Then he turns and strides from the room leaving me gasping with relief at his disappearance. No wonder Elrohir was shaken yesturday. What is going on here?

By the time we leave on the hunt I have recovered my equilibrium slightly but I steer well clear of Legolas. I need not have worried though. He ignores me, as he ignores Elrohir also. Back ramrod straight he gives us both the cold shoulder. There is no sign of the earlier viscious anger. He is a cold block of ice.

Poor Elrohir, the entire time his eyes are on Legolas, watching his every move, he lets his gaze linger over him but he receives no response.

He is so totally and utterly distracted by him, hungering for a scrap of affection or acknowledgement and it is painful to watch his pain.

It is also dangerous.

He is watching Legolas when the boar comes charging from the undergrowth, flushed out by Estel and Glorfindel to the side of us. He does not see it or hear it until it is too late, too late for even his elven reflexes to save him, and it is enraged.

It catches him in the side, tosses him in the air like a ragdoll, and I am too far away, too far away to do anything. It is as if time stands still.

" Elrohir!" It is Legolas, panicked and despairing, finally he pays attention to my brother, finally he looks at him. Too late, far too late.

He has an arrow notched, aimed and then buried in the boars neck before I can even move.

I am running then and I cannot run fast enough. Legolas reaches Elrohir before me. He is kneeling at his side, hands slick with blood, my brothers blood.

"Elrohir," he pleads, "Do not leave me. I am sorry, Elrohir." he is crying out in anguish.

And Elrohir gazes at him eyes dazed and confused,

"My beloved," he whispers and raises his hand to Legolas' face smearing it with blood, and then slowly, slowly, he closes his eyes.

"Get Estel now!" I push Legolas away angrily, this is all his fault! It is his bizaare behaviour that has caused this. If he hadnt ignored my brother...if he had only paid attention to him earlier, this would not have happened. When he does not move, simply kneels there shocked and silent I repeat it, shoving him hard to make him go,

"Now! Legolas."

Then he goes, shouting for Estel and Glorfindel and I look down at my brother where he lies white and still. I look at the gaping hole in his side, the ocean of blood, it is worse than an arrow, worse than a wound from a blade. Oh so much worse.

I am awash with horror, drowning in grief, The worst moment of my life is this, it eclipses finding my mother and losing her, the departure of my father, Arwen telling us she would choose to leave us forever.

It is worse than them all.

I do not see any way my brother can survive this.


	8. Chapter 8

**Authors Note: Especially for my Guest reviewer because you asked so nicely and I already had this written and waiting to post. I haven't started writing the next chapter tho...but there are some answers in this one so hopefully the wait wont be too bad!**

 **Legolas**

I am numb. My mind floats upon a sea of pain, so much pain I no longer feel it. I feel nothing.

I sit in Elrohir's room at Elrohir's side and I watch him. I watch the rise and fall of his chest that tells me he is still here. They are shallow flutters of breaths barely enough to keep him alive.

I know they do not expect him to live. I saw the wound in his side, I am not a healer but I have seen many injuries. I know a fatal one when I see it. I knew it before I even reached his side.

I do not know how long I have been here. Sitting, watching, waiting, trying not to imagine what life will be like when he leaves me. I do not think I can survive it.

I feel rather than see Aragorn sit down beside me.

"Go and rest Legolas. I will call you if there is any change." This is not the first time he has tried to get me to leave, it will not work.

"No."

"You are exhausted. You do him no good in this state."

"No."

Why can he not understand this? I will not leave. I will not miss a single moment that is left to me with Elrohir. I know they are disappearing all to rapidly.

"He would not want this." He places his hand, warm and firm on mine.

"No." I whisper it. I do not look at him, I cannot bear to see the pain in his eyes. I keep my eyes upon Elrohir, upon his chest as it moves, up, down, up ,down. After every breath I wait and hope there is another. I can still feel his fea, his essense. He is still here with me, faint as it is.

Aragorn reaches out, he grasps my face in his hands and turns it towards him, forcing my vision away from Elrohir, towards him.

"Look at me!"

But I squirm away from his grip and turn my eyes back to Elrohir. I cannot take them from him for even a second. Why does he not realise this, for it will be a second of him that would be lost to me forever and there are so few left.

"Legolas!" His voice is firm now, bordering on angry and he twists me round to face him again. I would fight it, I am usually far stronger than him but not at the moment. My strength has all vanished. He is right, I am exhausted. I am at the end of my endurance.

"You will leave now. You will go and rest. I command it!"

"You do not command me." It is the first sentance I have uttered in hours and my voice is hoarse and rough.

"This does none of us any good you being here, wearing yourself down."

"It does _me_ good." I turn away from him again, turn my eyes resolutely towards my fading love,

He sighs then and gives up, standing to walk to the other side of the room and as my eyes roam over Elrohir, checking to see I have not missed anything in the brief time they were off him my mind accosts me with visions of him with the girl. The girl who has stolen him from me. It doesnt matter any more. I am here and she is not and he will leave us both in any case. But I regret the last words he heard from me were words of hate, telling him I did not want him for I _do_ want him, more than he will ever know.

I hear behind me murmurs of conversation, Elladan has arrived to relieve Aragorn so he can rest. I feel his fea too. It is red hot and burning. Burning with anger towards me. He would hurt me if he could I think. He hates me. I do not blame him.

"Try to get him to rest." Aragorn says and Elladan answers with a grunt. He does not care if I rest or if I keel over from exhaustion.

I can feel the sea, my sea. It flows out from Elladan towards me, begging, begging me to reclaim it and I yearn for it desperately. I _need_ it. Without it I am not whole. I realise that now. When he took it he left a torn and ragged hole in my fea and I am bleeding out from that. Slowly, slowly, pieces of Legolas are disappearing in to dust. So much has gone I think I am no longer myself any more. I need to seal the hole with the sea. I need myself back.

Aragorn was right when he said we were fools playing with a danger we did not understand. The sea _is_ me. Without it I cannot exist. I do not know how I know this but I do. No wonder I feel I am going mad. Elladan has taken my soul.

His eyes burn into my back searing me with a hatred that would extinguish me if it could. Eventually he speaks.

"Why are you even here?" His voice is like ice upon what is left of my soul. I wonder if the part of me he carries does him as much damage as the lack of it causes me? I do not think steady, calm, Elladan was ever meant to be a wood elf.

I do not answer him. What is there to say? I would struggle to find the words anyway in the chaos of my mind. None of my thoughts make sense.

"Answer me!" He grabs at my shoulder and spins me round. If I was more myself the rage on his face would frighten me. As it is I barely comprehend it. I stare at him silently, struggling to force my thoughts into some sort of order so I can reply.

"I wish you had never met him." he hisses, the words dripping with venom. "What good have you bought him? All you have ever done is hurt him. You disgust me." He pushes me angrily against the bed. It hurts, but not as much as his words. He is right. What have I ever done for Elrohir except cause him pain? No wonder he left me for the girl.

"This is all your fault." Elladan pours his rage upon me when I do not answer him.

"He will die and it is all _your_ fault. Why dont you leave him alone. Even now you will not. Just leave him _alone!"_

I blink slowly at him, my breath coming in gasps for he has hurt me when he tossed me aside. My side burns where it hit the bed.

He pulls me to my feet then, grabs me by my collar and lifts me almost off the ground. I cannot escape him. He is stronger at the best of times and especially now when he is enraged and I am weak. I feel my sea within him, surging towards me, reaching for me. He is drowning in it but he will not let me grasp it as I so desperately wish to.

"Go away!" He screams it in my face. "Go away and stay away. He does not want you. Can you not understand. He. Does. Not. Want. You." He spells it out slowly for me before he tosses me across the room.

I lie where I fall, stunned and broken, tears overflow and spill down my cheeks but I barely notice. He kicks me then, a sharp kick to my ribs that causes me to gasp out loud.

"Get up! Get up and be gone. You are not welcome here. You have destroyed us! You do not love him...not as I do. How can you love him and always hurt him so?"

I know at the back of my mind that Elladan is grieving what is a terrible, terrible loss. I know the sea twists his mind turning it against me. I know he bears a burden he should never have had to. That it turns him slowly mad just as it does me. But there is truth in his words also. What good have I _ever_ bought Elrohir. If I love him I should leave him alone and let him be free for I am poison to him.

I pull myself to my feet slowly for he has injured me. I do not care that he sees that and he does not care that he has done it.

"Go away Legolas." He says, "Just go away."

And I do. I take one last look at Elrohir, one last glance at the one I love with all my heart. I wish I could touch him just one more time but Elladan will not allow it. I reach out to his fea, and envelop it in mine.

"I love you." I tell him silently as I try to imprint the feeling of him on my mind.

Then I turn and leave, I go silently, limping down the hall, ignoring the curious stares of those who pass me. Only when I am in my room do I break. Then I collapse against the wall, then my heartbreak overcomes me and I weep.

I feel as if I will never stop. There is an ocean of grief within me and it breaks through my walls and consumes me in the dark.

I dont know how long I am there, alone. My side aches but not as badly as my heart and I cry until I think there are no tears left yet still they come.

Eventually the door opens and someone enters. Has it been a night that I have been here? Longer than that? I do not look up. They cannot help me.

"Oh Child," he kneels beside me, it is Glorfindel come to save me. Glorfindel at his most soft and gentle and he cradles me in his arms while the tears still flow.

"Legolas," he says softly, "I have come to find you. Elrohir is awake and asking for you. Tell me you have not been like this all this time. What was Estel thinking sending you here alone?"

He must be lying for Elrohir is not going to wake, never again. Perhaps he does it to stop the weeping. He sits me up straighter and lifts my head so I can see him. It pulls on my side and it hurts, how it hurts so I cannot help but hiss in pain.

"What is it?" he asks in alarm, there is no hiding anything from Glorfindel. I try to answer him but the words swirl away from me as I reach for them. He does not wait for me to reply anyway. His hands gently and expertly lifting my tunic to see what lies beneath. He frowns when he sees it.

"What is this?" He places a hand softly over my ribs and I let out a groan, it aches so.

"How did this happen Legolas?" He tilts my head towards him, and looks into my eyes. His face is serious and full of concern.

"Tell me, Legolas. Tell me what has happened."

"Elladan..." It is the only word I can grasp on to. I want to tell him Elladan is right, that I have hurt Elrohir so badly. That I understand his anger, that the sea is crushing him until there is hardly any Elladan left. But it is too much to say and I cannot do it, I can only say his name.

"Elladan did this?" He whispers it in horror. "I cannot believe it," It is a gasp of denial.

"Elladan," I sigh, it seems to be the only thing I am capable of saying now.

He pauses then, his face a picture of misery. I have made him unhappy too. Pethaps it is just me? Perhaps I am fated to bring unhappiness to everyone I know and love. I watch as he shakes his head silently then he looks at me and smiles, a small smile and I think it is just pretence.

"Come on child, there is someone who is waiting to see you. We will get Aragorn to look at this and patch you up."

He hauls me slowly to my feet and I sway, I do not think they will hold me up but he sees it and he catches me. He walks me slowly down the corridor, talking to me as we go, softly as if I am a child but it is strangly comforting through the haze of numbness that surrounds me. I am not sure where we go, nor how long it takes us to get there.

I wish I could stay here forever, with Glorfindel.

I do not wish to face what the future holds for me. It looms up bleak and unforgiving.

I can see no way ahead for me now.


	9. Chapter 9

**Elrohir**

At first all is dark. I float in it and it is comforting. I cannot remember why I am there. I do remember Legolas, his face in front of me calling my name. I remember telling him I love him. I hope he heard me. Lately he has not.

Eventually the soft, warm darkness disappears and all becomes grey. There is pain then, a harsh, terrible pain that wraps itself around my chest and I cannot breathe...I cannot breathe!

I am thrashing around,trying to free myself from it and there are voices calling me, slowly, slowly they merge into people I can identify, Estel, Elladan, Arwen.

Elladan is beside me. I can feel him, feel his presence but something is wrong, he feels wrong, not like Elladan at all but chaotic and wild. Perhaps I am confused and it is Legolas for he almost feels more like Legolas than Elladan to me and I do not understand.

"Elrohir, you are safe, breathe slowly for me, slowly..." That is Estel and he forces something bitter into my mouth which makes me gag.

Slowly I open my eyes as the pain ebbs away. It is still there but less and I can think again. Their faces coalesce in front of me, my brothers and sister, and Glorfindel is there too. But the person I most want to see is not.

"Where is Legolas?" Speaking is an effort, putting the words together is not easy but I manage it. I _want_ to see him.

"He was here for hours." Estel says gently, "We sent him to rest, he was exhausted."

"I will get him for you." Glorfindel says seriously and beside me I feel Elladan tense up. What is _wrong_ with him?

"Perhaps I should go," he says hurriedly, but Glorfindel shakes his head.

"Stay with your brother," he says placing a supportive hand in Elladan's arm.

"I will go."

For the first time ever in my life I find myself wishing Elladan would go for the feel of him is confusing me and it upsets me. He is discordant and wild. I do not want this strange brother. I want my own calm, soft, gentle Elladan.

So Glorfindel leaves and I watch him go with longing, please let him bring Legolas back to me. I turn my attention then to Estel, I look away from the alien Elladan who strokes my forehead, which would usually be comforting but now is not at all.

"What has happened to me?" I ask Estel, because I cannot remember.

He smiles,

"You put yourself in the way of a wild boar. Not your smartest move Elrohir."

I do remember vaguely then, we were hunting...Legolas was ignoring me, he was angry. I do not remember the boar.

"We thought we had lost you." Estel finishes and his voice catches, I hear the real grief behind it.

"Where had I gone?" It is a foolish thing to say and makes no sense but neither do his words to me. My mind is scattered on the wind.

He laughs,

"I don't know where you went, perhaps you can tell us later!"

I close my eyes then for keeping them open is a struggle, I close them to shut out the looks on their faces, to shut out Elladan the imposter who I cannot understand. I concentrate instead on the feel of my sisters hand in mine. She calms me as she always does, and I drift gently on top of the pain. I do not know for how long. My sister and brothers voices enfold me.

The door swings open with a crash. It startles me and my eyes fly open.

It is Glorfindel and he is furious.

Glorfindel when he is angry, truly angry, is a fearsome sight. He can be terrifying. It is something you never wish to see. He is terrifying now. Every muscle ripples with suppressed rage.

Beside him is Legolas and the sight of him breaks my heart. He leans against Glorfindel as if he cannot stand, his head hangs down and he says nothing. He does not look at me, he looks at no-one. His arm is wrapped across his chest clutching at his side. Has he been injured? Did the boar strike him too?

Beside me Elladan draws in his breath sharply. He is a coiled spring of tension now, and Estel leaps to his feet.

"Legolas, what has happened?" he cries.

Legolas does not answer. It is as if he does not even hear him.

A surge of Glorfindel's rage washes over me. It is so intense we all must feel it, Elladan and my sister also. I think this could penetrate even Estel's spirit so angry is the Balrog Slayer. He guides Legolas, slowly, gently to a chair at my side and sits him down.

"Legolas," he says and it as if he speaks to a small boy, not a grown elf.

"Elrohir is here for you to see." And he takes his hand—the one loose in his lap as the other still clutches his side—and places it in mine, curling the fingers around it as he does so.

Legolas does nothing.

Glorfindel takes his face between his hands then and tilts it up so he can see me, brushing the long golden hair from his eyes. He looks so young, so lost and alone I cannot bear to see it.

"Legolas," I say and I squeeze his hand.

"Are you alright?"

It is obvious to everyone he is not.

He sees me then, at the sound of my voice, and his eyes widen in shock and astonishment.

"Elrohir..." His voice is rough and hoarse, "Is this a dream?"

"I do not think so..." I try to reassure him but it does all have a dreamlike quality to me, perhaps it is the medicine Estel gave me but everything seems unreal, from the strange wildness of Elladan to this blank and empty Legolas.

Glorfindel stands and places his hand firmly on Legolas' shoulder.

"It is no dream young one," he says but then suddenly all trace of gentleness disappears from his voice as he turns and faces Elladan.

"Elladan. A word if you please." His voice is savage now and cutting. This is an order not a request.

"And you too Estel." He adds as he saunters past my younger brother who follows him without question. King or no King, Glorfindel is not to be argued with today.

The door does not quite shut itself behind them as they leave. I am alone then with Arwen and this broken Legolas.

Arwen kneels beside him leaning her head against his.

"Did you sleep well Legolas?" He does not take his eyes off me as he replies.

"I did not sleep,"his voice sounds as empty as he appears to be.

"I did not want to have the dreams. I cannot sleep."

"What dreams are those Legolas?" She lifts her hand to brush it against his cheek. I wonder if she searches inside his mind as she can do if she chooses. What does she see there?

He turns his head then finally to look at her,

"The dreams of Elrohir." He says softly, "I do not want them, they hurt me," and she looks at me with a question in her eyes but I have no idea what it is he talks about.

We are interrupted by the sound of raised voices floating towards us through the partially open door, it is Glorfindel at his most irate. He is enraged.

"You are not the Elladan I love!" he shouts.

"How could you? How could you do this?"

What has he done, I wonder? What could he have done to make Glorfindel so angry?

Legolas flinches at the words.

I cannot hear Elladan's reply, if he even makes one but I do hear Estel and he is anguished.

"Is this true Elladan?" He asks, "Did you hurt him?"

"Hurt who?" I ask Arwen, " Who has he hurt? What has happened?" But she simply shrugs. She does not know any more than I it seems.

"He is but a child. Elladan, a lost and hurting child. If you are capable of this... I do not know...I do not know what I will do! I thought you had got over this insane hatred of him. You are a healer Elladan, a _healer_!" Glorfindel is beside himself it seems and my skin crawls with worry for my brother.

"I was angry," Finally Elladan speaks, "I do not know why I did it. He hurt my brother! He is always hurting him. Elrohir will be better off without him but I did not mean it...I did not mean to hurt him so...please Glorfindel..."

And finally I understand, I swing my eyes to Legolas in horror.

"He hurt _you!_ Tell me he did not..."

Arwen is on her feet then and striding towards the door.

"You do not need to hear this." She says angrily and slams the door behind her as she leaves. We can hear no more.

Legolas is distressed, he squeezes my hand tightly in his grip so it hurts...it hurts enough to even make a dent in the pain which grips my side.

"It is my fault," he says and his words are jumbled and run together.

"It is my fault, it is all my fault. I must make them understand."

And then he pulls his hand from mine, he stumbles to his feet and staggers towards the door.

"Legolas no!" I cry for something tells me he should not go out there. I need not have worried, his legs do not hold him up and he topples forwards as I watch, it is all in slow motion but I cannot stop it.

I see him fall, I hear the crack as his head hits the bed. He does not get up.

"Legolas!" I call his name urgently but I cannot reach him, I try but the pain has me in its grasp. It strangles me and I cannot move.

There is nothing I can do but call for help.

"Estel! Estel! Estel!" I scream it as loud as I can although pain constricts my throat and it sounds to me like I only whisper.

"Estel!" I do not call for my twin. I do not want to see him. How could he? How could he do this?

Finally the door opens. Finally Estel appears and he sees why I call the instant he is there. He drops to his knees and takes Legolas in his arms. I cannot see what happens then.

I am gasping for breath, pain is everywhere but then Arwen has me.

"Shh...shh, brother." She soothes me. "Estel has him. He will take care of him. Breathe Elrohir, breathe." And I feel her in my mind, protecting me, hiding me from the pain behind her walls. It is such a relief.

There is a hiss from Estel where he kneels on the ground and Glorfindel speaks,

"That is what I was speaking of Estel, that bruising, Elladan did that."

I look to the door, through the haze of my pain and my terror, Elladan stands there, alone, pale and distressed. His eyes turn to mine. He meets my gaze.

He is hurting. My twin, my brother.

But I do not know who he is. I do not recognise him.

How could he do this to me? How could he do this to Legolas?


	10. Chapter 10

**Authors Note: sorry about how long it's been since I updated! But I am in the groove with this story again now so the next update should be quicker.**

 **To my lovely guest reviewer...so glad you like Glorfindel. Especially his softer side! A bit more of that here. Thanks so much for your reviews : )**

 **Elladan**

I am lost and I cannot find myself. Where is Elladan?

I am the sensible twin. The calm one. The quiet shy brother, content to sit back while my younger, more volatile twin deals with all the excitement. I am the boring one.

"Elladan—" they say, "well he is very peaceable. He is nice enough." There is nothing dramatic about me at all. I am overlooked in the brightness of my brother's light for Elrohir shines so brightly he lights us all on fire. I am included only because no-one can resist being close to Elrohir and we are a package deal. My entire childhood was like that.

But now quiet, shy Elladan has disappeared and in his place is a turmoil of emotion and I do not know how to deal with it. Instead of the soft, ever present churn of anxiety that is my usual state I am overwhelmed with _feelings._ Rage, fear, burning excitement surge through my brain.

What _is_ this?

I hide myself away. They all hate me anyway, I have seen it in their eyes. My brothers, my sister, my lover. They look at me with distaste. And why not...I even despise myself.

How could I have done that to Legolas? What drove me? Am I insane? It certainly feels like it.

And above it all is the roar of the sea.

So I shut myself in my room, shut out the light and wish myself out of existence.

It is Arwen who finds me there. I do not even hear her enter, I am unaware of her presence until she draws back the closed curtains, drowning me in a rush of light that sears my soul.

"Brother." she says kneeling beside me, stroking the hair gently clear of my eyes. "Oh my poor brother."

Her voice is gentle and full of love but it confuses me. How can she still love me? But she holds me tight and I feel the touch of her mind caress against my own. Normally I would fight her intrusion, slam down my walls and shut her out for I hate when she helps herself to my feelings. Now though, it is a comfort, the gentle presence of Arwen and so I let her in. I let her see me...if she can even find me amongst the chaos. Perhaps she can make sense of it for me.

She leans back eventually and holds me at arms length looking at me critically.

"Elladan, where are you?" she asks.

"I am here." It is an effort to speak and my voice sounds as numb as I feel.

She shakes her head, her face creased with a frown as she leans forwards and cups my cheek gently in her hand.

"You are drowning in the sea, I think."

She is right, the sea is there as always pounding at my sanity but it is more than that and I try to explain.

"I have lost myself," I say. "I no longer know who I am. It is frightening, Arwen, how I lost control. I am so . . ." I run out of words to say what it is I am trying to communicate to her.

She pulls me tight against her then as if she clings to me, as if she does not wish to lose me.

"You feel ...wild," she says. It is the last adjective I ever thought I would hear anyone use to describe me. Elrohir maybe, but not me.

"How you must despise me," I whisper, for she must, she must, they all must.

"I _love_ you," she says it emphatically as if challenging me to deny it.

"They all hate me. Estel...Glorfindel...I do not blame them. I hate myself."

"Estel will get over it. He is angry, certainly, and frightened. But he is insightful and wise also and he loves you. He will see past this. And Glorfindel—his love for you shines like a beacon, Elladan, even now. Do not mistake confusion and disappointment for hate."

I cannot be so sure of their love for me as she is.

"Elrohir will never forgive me this."

She smiles then.

"Elrohir has _already_ forgiven you. He struggles to understand, but he forgives."

I cannot think on it any longer. It is too tangled, too confusing. Instead I lean against her and close my eyes. I wish I could shut out the world. She strokes my hair and begins to sing. A lullaby from our childhood. I have heard her sing it to Eldarion when he needs comfort and I see why. It reminds me of our mother and the knots inside me begin to unravel.

Slowly I fall asleep.

At first I dream of home, of my mother and my childhood, of adventures with Elrohir in those days when all was simple and good but then my dreams change. They become strange and alien. I am running in the trees, laughing, it feels so free. But I have never done this, even in Lothlorien when we visited our Grandparents I did not. Always too afraid, too tense, too scared I would fall, and what would people think. Elrohir did, he cavorted in the trees with the Silvans and I stood and watched. Why do I walk dream paths about something I have never done?

When I rouse from sleep I realise I am in a bed. Someone has moved me here and it is warm and comforting. A hand rests over mine, not Arwens, for this hand is firm and solid not small and slender. When I open my eyes it is Glorfindel looking back at me. Blue eyes solemn and grieving.

"Elladan," he says gently, and he smiles. I thought I would never see him smile at me again. "So you are awake finally!"

I am confused. Why is he here? Why is he not angry? I push away his hand, although it gives me comfort and sit up. Shaking my head to rid myself of the last vestiges of the strange dream.

"Why are you here? How can you bear to be with me?" I ask because I have to know. What has happened to drain all that anger away?

"Because I love you." He takes back my hand, "and you are suffering. That much is obvious."

I am filled with a rush of self loathing. Why is he so understanding? I do not deserve it. I do not deserve this from anyone, least of all him.

"You should not love me!" I cry, "What is there to love. What about me is worthy of you. I am nothing. I have no talent, there is nothing special about me. I am just quiet Elladan, hiding in the shadows until some of my Brothers charisma shines itself upon me. There is nothing about me that deserves _you,_ for you are Glorfindel! You deserve better."

He frowns, for he is cross with me now.

"Never say that again," he snaps. "Never speak of yourself thus to me. You are my Elladan, full of love, compassion, empathy. You shine with a light so few of us have. You are special beyond all measure. Do not tell me how I should love, or who I should love. There is nothing special about Glorfindel, except my love for you."

It is hard to hear and even harder to accept.

"You should be with Erestor!" For he should, he has always yearned for him.

"Erestor was a stepping stone which has led me to you." He breathes. "No one can replace you."

I have nothing to say, and so I simply stare. I do not believe him. I do not believe myself worthy of him, but he will not listen. Instead I change the subject, to one that is, if possible, even harder but I must know.

"How is Legolas?"

Glorfindel's face falls.

"Not good," he says. "It is strange. Estel has done all he can but he is at an impasse. The injuries Legolas has seem to bear no relation to how ill he is." I wince at that for those injuries—for the most part—were caused by me. "He hit his head when he fell," Glorfindel continues, "and he will not wake. But the injury does not warrant such a long period of unconsciousness. Estel cannot reach him and Arwen has tried but she says he is...blank."

"Blank?" What does my sister mean by that.

"She says it as if he is not there...he is empty, devoid of Legolas." Glorfindel squeezes my hand then. The hand he has not let go of. "I think you should see him, see if you can help."

"Me?" I am horrified at that suggestion. "Me! How can you trust me to see him. I cannot help him! I am the last person who can."

"You are a gifted healer Elladan. You may deny it but you know it is true. You surpass Estel in this. You are your father's son, and you are elven. You can reach Legolas as Estel cannot."

"And what damage would I do when I reach him?"

"There is that risk," Glorfindel says solomnly, "But I would be there, and Estel. Think on it Elladan, please." He stands then and finally lets go of my hand. "I will bring you food and when you have eaten maybe you will see things differently."

I do not think I will, but I do consider his words when he has gone. Eventually I get up, I ease myself out of the bed and dress. Before I do anything, go anywhere, there is one person I must see and that is my brother.

When I first enter Elrohir's room I think he is sleeping. He lies there pale and still, face drained of blood and of life and I catch my breath. But he hears me and his eyes open. For a long while we stare at each other. He strips me bare with his gaze and says nothing.

"Shall I leave?" I ask eventually, for I do not wish to be where I am not welcome.

"No." His voice is soft, quiet, unElrohir like, for Elrohir is always loud and energetic. It is unnerving to see him so still and quiet. "I am glad you are here, I wish to speak to you." He says and so I sit, on the chair beside him, awkward and ill at ease.

"Explain what happened. I need to understand this." He is not asking me. He is demanding it and I guess he has that right for I have hurt the one he loves.

"I do not think I can Elrohir. I thought you were dying. I believed that...I was..." I cannot continue, my voice chokes up with tears as the horror of those hours returns full force in my mind. But I must get this out. "It sent me mad I think, I would not have hurt him otherwise...if I could take it back. I have lost myself Elrohir!"

He reaches towards me with a grimace of pain and clasps my hand.

"You have not lost me brother." He says firmly, as firmly as he is able. "But I feel I have lost you."

I do not know what he means and it obviously shows on my face for he attempts to explain.

"You feel _wrong_ " he says. "When I first woke, and all was dark and confusing...and pain...I felt you. I felt your hand upon my forehead and your soul beside me but at first—at first I thought you were Legolas."

"You obviously wished for him." I say sadly, because of course he would but he shakes his head.

"No! You _felt_ like Legolas. Legolas is tumultuous and erratic. He is a riot of emotions, whether it be joy or sorrow. He is wild and free and chaotic. That is how Legolas feels to me. You, you are calm and tranquil. A soothing balm upon my soul. Always, even when we fight you are peace itself Elladan. But when I woke you _were_ Legolas. I cannot explain it better. You were _wild."_

It is the same thing Arwen said to me and yet I am the least wild elf imaginable. Why do they insist on saying this?

Suddenly, as I sit there frowning in consternation, it falls into place. My strange dream of running in the trees. Elrohir's words, 'You were Legolas' Arwen telling Glorfindel all she felt in Legolas was blankness. Like fitting the final piece to a puzzle it all lines up and makes complete and utter sense to me.

I know what is wrong, with both Legolas and myself.

I know what I have to do.


	11. Chapter 11

**Elladan**

When I knock on the door of Legolas' rooms it is Aragorn who answers and for a moment I think he will slam the door shut in my face when he sees me. Arwen may think he will forgive me my indiscretions against Legolas but it is obvious he has not forgiven me yet. He is furious.

"What do you want?" His voice is cold and cutting.

"Glorfindel thought perhaps I could be of help."

"He told me as much," Estel blocks my way, he is determined not to let me in. "I disagree. You have done enough damage here I think."

Estel and Legolas have a bond that exceeds that of normal friendship, I know that. He counts Legolas to be as much his brother as I am. A chosen brother. The fact I have hurt Legolas has enraged him and I do not blame him for trying to protect his friend from me. I would myself if I was in his shoes.

Had I arrived here before my recent revelation I would have turned and left, I would have respected his anger. But now I _cannot._ I know what is wrong and I know what to do and Estel can not do it. It must be me.

"Let me in Estel. I know you are angry but I can help."

"Oh you do not know the half of my anger!" Estel bites back. "I do not even recognise you. You are not the Elladan I thought you were and I do _not_ want you here."

If I have to use force to get past him I will but I do not want to...oh how I do not want to. Still I put my foot in the doorway to keep it open and lean towards him.

"Let me in Estel! I must see Legolas. I know now what must be done."

"You _must_ do nothing as far as Legolas is concerned. He would not wish you here."

We are interrupted by another voice, a hand on Estel's shoulder.

"What goes on here?"

It is Glorfindel and his face lights up when he sees me.

"Elladan, where have you been? I go to get food and you disappear. I hoped you would be here."

It is good to see him. I still struggle to believe he wishes to give me the time of day.

"I went to see Elrohir," I answer, "and he has told me something that changes everything. I _can_ help Legolas...if only Estel will let me."

Glorfindel lets out what I think is a sigh of relief.

"Let him in Estel." He says firmly. He is the Glorfindel who will not be ignored.

Estel turns to him in astonishment.

"We have discussed this. I cannot trust him. I have no reason to believe his motives are genuine and I will _not_ allow him to damage Legolas further."

Glorfindel takes him by the shoulders then so Estel looks into his eyes.

"You let your fear for Legolas cloud your judgement. This is Elladan...Elladan your brother. Whatever ails Legolas is not his fault, it is not a result of those injuries. It is something more. You will harm Legolas further if you do not accept every help available to you and we no longer have the luxury of time."

" _You_ let your love for Elladan cloud _your_ judgement!" Estel pulls himself away aggressively. He resists even Glorfindel's commanding presence but I can use his distraction to get in here and I do.

Estel is quick but I am quicker. Estel has lightening fast reflexes but I am an elf and he cannot stop me as I dart past, across the living area and into the bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind me as he pushes against it.

"Let me in Elladan!" he cries but I will not for it is obvious there is no chance he will allow me to do what I need to.

"Elladan! This is not sensible." It is Glorfindel pleading and I hear the edge of fear in his voice. He may say he believes in me but deep down he does not trust me. Not with Legolas.

I ignore them. I have to if I am to make this work and I _have_ to make it work. I turn my mind away from their clamouring and banging and instead look to Legolas where he lies on the bed.

He is completely still and white, so pale. He is always pale at the best of times but this is so much worse, and I must look closely to see the slightest motion of his chest to even know he breathes. He looks deathly ill. No wonder Estel is afraid.

His face is marred by an unsightly bruise traveling down past his eye to his cheek and the gash on his forehead has been mended with Estel's neat and tiny sutures. His chest is covered in bandages which hide, I know, the damage caused by me.

If only I could take it back. Looking back now I cannot believe I did that. Why did I not realise what was happening to me? Why did I not notice myself falling apart and seek help? Now that I understand clearly, it all seems so obvious, so simple. I should have worked this out much faster than I did. I knew, even as far back as the moment I first claimed the sealonging that all was not well with Legolas. The blankness in his eyes...the way he slept afterwards for ages, seemingly disconnected from the world. Why did I not see this when it was right in front of me?

"Legolas?" I say his name softly, quietly, gently as I stroke my fingers over the wound on his face then lay my hand upon his chest. I can feel the remnants of Estel's healing power here. He has thrown everything he has at this and I wonder how he has the energy to stay standing.

I follow the path he has left, travel down his tracks into the heart of Legolas and I see instantly what Arwen meant. Instead of being greeted by the wild, untamed spirit as I should be there is nothing but darkness. It seems as if he is simply not there.

But I am stronger than Estel and my sister at this. Glorfindel is right...this is something I do well. I push harder, deeper, using techniques my father has taught me to find the core of his essence and sure enough, he is still there. A flicker of his green/gold spirit appears before me but when he sees me he flinches and pulls away.

"Legolas, I will not hurt you," I say gently as if he is a child and I put out my hand. "I am here to help. I bring back that which I took from you. I bring back the sea-longing. Let me give it to you."

His spirit flares brightly then. A rush of green surrounds me and he clasps my hand as if in desperation. I do not have to lure him in, I do not have to struggle to open a connection for he attacks me as a drowning man and suddenly, shockingly, we are one.

I am engulfed by the sea. It roars around me, swirls at my feet and tugs me to its depth. This raging, angry sea I have carried for so long is as eager to return to Legolas as he is to reclaim it. It recognises its home.

A wave then, of pure unadulterated joy washes over me. It is contagious and I laugh. Before me is Legolas. Eyes bright, face split by a smile, he dances through the waves. The sea spray coats his face and he shakes his head covering me with water as he does so. He is joy personified.

"Elladan!" He cries as he takes my hand. "You have saved me! Oh I had forgotten the joy of this. I am Legolas!"

And then as suddenly as our link appeared it is gone and I am thrown clear, spiralling through darkness until I open my eyes and find myself sat on his bed, in his room, with Aragorn and Glorfindel pounding at the door. It is so dislocating.

Legolas lies before me, as still and as deathlike as he did before. I watch, my spirits falling as I wonder if I have not helped after all. And if I have not I have no idea what else to do. But slowly he opens his eyes and smiles up at me when he sees me, with his angelic smile.

"Elladan!" He cries as he hauls himself up to sit. "Thank you!" And I find myself in his arms as he embraces me. I am light as a feather without the burden of his sea wrapped around me. I feel as if, if he let me go, I would float.

He releases me then and pushes off the blankets that cover him, swinging his feet to the floor.

"What are you doing?" I reach out to stop him but he pushes my hand away with a grin.

"Shall we let them in?" He asks mischievously. "They seem rather anxious." And he indicates the door. Then as I watch he goes to stand but his legs do not hold him and he crumples slowly to the floor.

"Oh!" He cries in surprise. "My legs do not work. I wonder why that is?" He is so genuinely bemused that it strikes me as funny and I laugh.

I try to stand to haul him to his feet, or at least back upon the bed and it is then I realise his problem for my legs are like jelly and I slide rather inelegantly to the floor beside him.

"You are rather clumsy for a Noldo." He says, completely straight-faced and suddenly the two of us are laughing until there are tears in our eyes. It all seems completely hysterical. I am drunk on relief.

And then the key in the door falls to the floor with a clunk.

The banging and pounding has stopped outside and all is quiet except for the rattle of the lock. Estel has sent for the master key.

"They are so impatient to see us they let themselves in!" Legolas quips and it is all it takes to start us giggling again. Our whole situation seems so completely and utterly ridiculous, stranded on the floor as we are.

So it is that when Estel and Glorfindel charge their way through the door in a desperate panic they find two grown elves sitting on the floor doubled over with laughter and the look of incredulous astonishment on Estel's face makes us laugh all the harder.

"Aragorn!" Legolas cries in overly dramatic fashion, "Elladan has restored me, but he has forgotten to include my legs!" And he flings his arms wide. He is obviously as giddy with relief as I am, and oh he is such a child when he wants to be!

Estel is lost for words. He stares at us as if we are a pair of Feanorians returned from the dead. I am not sure if it is in horror or confusion.

And Glorfindel? Glorfindel looks at me with an expression that could only be described as frustrated fondness.

"Oh, Elladan," he says with a sigh. "You fool, what have you done?"


	12. Chapter 12

**Legolas**

I am a long time alone in the darkness and I cannot find my way out. Briefly, fleetingly, I hear voices calling me at times but I do not know who they are or how to answer them. I am lonely and afraid and lost.

Then Elladan comes. Unannounced, his light parts the black before my eyes and I am blinded by him. When he calls my name I try to hide for he has hurt me, I know that much, I cannot remember how or why but I know whatever he did it hurt badly and I do not wish to approach him.

He lures me out though. He promises to return the sea and oh how I want that. In the end I cannot resist. I do not stop to consider if his words are true or a trap, instead I grasp his outstretched hand and claim it.

And suddenly, in an instant, I am reunited with my sea and with myself. It is such a relief, such a joy and I am overwhelmed by it. I dance in the waves and my heart soars for I am back. I am Legolas.

Elladan stands before me wading in the waves and he is laughing. It is so long since I have seen him happy and so I call out to him in my joy but suddenly, inexplicably, he vanishes and I am alone. Alone with myself and the waves.

The sea is a balm upon my soul. It washes away the darkness that had previously encased me. But most of all, best of all, is the fact that I am now complete. The ragged hole that had scarred my fea is sealed tight and I am contained within myself once again.

With the darkness gone I realise I can open my eyes to the light and when I do I see Elladan is there beside me although his joy is gone and his face tense with worry. I am in my room in Minas Tirith, in my bed and safe.

"Elladan!" I say his name mainly to ease his mind and then I am filled with such gratitude, such thankfulness for the gift he has blessed me with, the return of my soul, that I embrace him. "Thank you!" I cry and it is not enough. I cannot express how much I owe him for this.

There is banging at the door, insistent banging and I hear Aragorn calling my name, shouting in anger at Elladan and so I think to let him in, despite Elladan's alarm at my attempting to stand. I find out soon enough he is right when my legs fold underneath me.

It is so ridiculous, so absurdly silly, me sitting on the floor and even more so when Elladan, as he tries to help me, awkwardly collapses beside me. I cannot stop laughing. Tears stream down my face but I am so happy. It is such a relief to feel myself, to have the swish of the sea back in my ears.

Aragorn and Glorfindel burst in to the room in total panic. I wonder why? Why have they been locked out in the first place? And when I speak Aragorn simply stares at me as if he has never seen me before.

I am aware then that perhaps I have missed something vital.

He kneels down beside me and he is strangely anxious. I feel the worry flowing off him in waves.

"How do you feel?" he asks. "What has he done?" and he clasps my face in his hands. They are shaking...his hands are shaking. What is _wrong_ with him?

"I have a headache," I say although I had not noticed until I speak the words that I do. My head throbs and when I lift my hand to my forehead cautiously I feel a wound there, and stitches. "What has happened?" I ask Aragorn. "How did I get this?" Now that I am thinking on it I find I am not really sure what has been going on. My memories are a jumbled mess.

"You fell and hit your head," he replies and his voice wavers. "I have not been able to wake you. I could not reach you."

"Oh!" Now this makes sense to me. "It was _you_ who I heard calling my name! I could not tell."

"I thought we would lose you." Aragorn's voice cracks with emotion and I am suddenly afraid for him. Surely it has not been that bad!

"You will not lose me." I pat his shaking hand encouragingly trying to reassure him. "I am well now. Elladan has returned my sea to me."

He turns then to Elladan beside me, horror on his face.

"You did that? You saw how weak he was and you chose then to meddle with the sea-longing? Do you have no care at all for him?"

The tension between them is palpable. The air crackles with Aragorn's anger and I do not understand it. Elladan is my saviour—why does Aragorn attack him so?

"I had no choice!" Elladan cries, "It was the only thing that would save him."

"But alone Elladan?" It is Glorfindel and he is solomn as he places a hand upon Elladan's shoulder. "That was foolish in the extreme."

"Estel would not let me in. He would not have let me do this. You said it yourself, we did not have the luxury of time."

They are all confusing me. Why is Aragorn so tense and angry? Why this urgency? Why were Elladan and I locked in my room? Why can I not remember?

"You were right." Elladan is speaking to Aragorn now. "You were right back in Imladris when you said we played with fire messing with the sea-longing. I damaged Legolas when I took it, and I damaged myself as well. That damage has caused his irrationality, his paranoia and was why he was fading."

"There was a hole in my fea." I add. I am still unsure what he means, have I been paranoid? But I remember that. "It felt as if I was losing myself. There was no Legolas left."

Aragorn says nothing. He frowns at the both of us as if he does not believe a word we say. I know it sounds fantastical.

"When I saw Elrohir," Elladan continues, "He told me when he first woke he confused me for Legolas. I _felt_ like Legolas to him. And I realised that was why, that was why I was out of control...that was the reason for the wildness Arwen said she felt within me. The sea-longing was a piece of Legolas' soul and I could not deal with it. It made me...unpredictable."

As he speaks it is like the slow opening of a floodgate within my mind, for where is Elrohir? If I have been so unwell as to cause Aragorn such worry why is he not here? And then I remember.

I see it all. The strange dreams of Elrohir's unfaithfulness I have been plagued with. My anger with him. The hunting trip, the boar. Elrohir flying through the air, Elrohir bleeding, his blood covering my hands as he calls me beloved. Elrohir dying. It is too much. I am filled with a wave of nausea as the memories assault me and I think I may be sick.

"Elrohir!" I cry and I push Aragorn's hands off me. "Where is he? Tell me he lives, please! Tell me he is not dead."

He will not let go me, he will not allow me to push him away. Instead he holds me tight.

"He is alive Legolas and he will be well. I promise you, all is well with him now."

I feel as if I cannot breathe as the memory of Elrohir lying still and deathlike returns. It chokes me with terror, so much so that I almost cannot listen to the reassurance Aragorn gives me.

It is then I remember Elladan.

I knew he had hurt me. I knew it as I hid in the darkness, I knew it when he came to find me but I did not know how. Now I do. I remember the words he spat at me. I remember lying on the floor as he kicked me. I remember the pain, emotional and physical. That is what he means when he says he was unpredictable. That is why Aragorn is angry.

"You hurt me." I gasp at him and his face is instantly devastated.

"I am sorry, I am so sorry Legolas. I did not mean it...I do not, I would take it back if I could. Please forgive me."

The look on his face brings me to a standstill. This is Elladan who saved me. The pain that he caused me is raw but he was as much a victim as I was.

"You saved me." I whisper, "You took my sea-longing when I begged you and did not think on the consequences to yourself. You saved me then and you have saved me now. Of course I forgive you." And it is heartfelt. I do.

It is Glorfindel who interrupts us, bending over Elladan and helping him to his feet. He has obviously decided he has had enough, of Aragorn's anger and my pain.

"Come Elladan. You have paid a high price for your foolishness. I think it is time for you to rest."

I try to stand to then and feel a surge of irritation when Aragorn prevents it.

"Let me go!" I snap at him, "I _must_ see Elrohir."

"Elrohir is going nowhere." He says. "I mean it when I say you do not need to worry for him. You, on the other hand, are a mess. When did you last sleep? Can you even remember?"

Of course I cannot.

"You will rest as well then." He uses his kingly, commanding voice that is so very irritating. "I will send word to Elrohir you have recovered and you can see him tomorrow."

Unfortunately I am too tired to argue with him although it is very tempting to resist just to annoy him.

I do rest then, my mind drifting through thoughts both pleasant and upsetting. Aragorn sits beside me, his hand in mine and I must admit it is reassuring to have him here.

"I am sorry to have caused you to worry." I mumble to him through the sleep that drags on my eyes. "We have too little time together to waste in argument and fear." And I know I have wasted much of it allowing the gulf that lay between us since the attack on me to last for so long.

"I am just pleased you have returned to us." He pats my hand and takes a breath. "I do not know if I can forgive Elladan this." He says then, as much to himself as to me.

I force myself alert then.

"You must Aragorn! This is not his fault."

And he simply shrugs.

"I do not know if I can find a way."

"You can!" I am certain of this. "You forgave me the injury I did to you when my mind was twisted by grief and pain. You have pleaded with me to forgive myself that. You say I was not to blame because I was not myself. Nor was Elladan to blame for what he did to me. He was not himself either, you cannot forgive me but then not him the same indiscretion. That is not fair Aragorn."

He is silent then, but he nods and I know he will think on it.

As I allow myself to drift towards sleep Elladan's words return to me. He wished me to leave Elrohir alone. He accused me of harming him more often than I make him happy and there is truth in that. His words spiral through my brain until I am no longer aware. Then the sea sings me a lullaby and brings sleep my way.

When I awake it is dark and Aragorn is asleep in the chair beside me. He must be exhausted. I, however feel invigorated and alive. I must see Elrohir and I will wait no longer so I ease myself out of bed slowly, carefully, not waking Aragorn and creep across the room. Luckily my legs are now behaving themselves. That is a relief. As amusing as it was sitting on the floor with Elladan I do not wish to spend my life there.

I have awoken with a conviction, a surety about the future and how I should approach it. I am certain I am right. I am certain this is the only way to proceed and so now, I will act upon it.

And so I move gently down the corridor, making my way to the room of my beloved.

There is much I need to say to him.


	13. Chapter 13

**References in this chapter back to the story The Last Time, where Elrohir says goodbye to Legolas before he departs Imladris with the fellowship.**

 **Elrohir**

At first I am a mess of pain and confusion after Legolas' collapse, and Arwen stays with me until I am calm. She shields my mind with hers until the pain has ebbed away to something bearable. I do not know how she does that. How does she bear what I cannot?

"What has he done? What has become of Elladan?" I gasp when I can finally force words out of my mouth, and she strokes my arm with gentle tenderness.

"All is not well with him." She says softly, "for you know this is not our Elladan. He is incapable of cruelty such as this, especially to one so near to your heart."

"He has never liked Legolas. They are always at odds," I say, for it has always been thus. Since the first day Legolas and I found each other Elladan has fought it.

"Are you sure of that Elrohir? Could it not be he likes him too much for his comfort? For Legolas is yours, heart, mind and soul, that much is obvious and Elladan would never hurt you. He seeks to put distance between them."

I do not like the thought of that. Arwen is instinctive and empathetic. She sometimes knows more about us than we do ourselves. I do not know how much of that is due to helping herself to our minds. I choose to think less than perhaps is true. On this point though I must believe she is wrong. I _must._

I have only just accepted what happened between Elladan and Legolas. An accident of circumstance is how he paints it. It cannot be anything other than that. I cannot open that wound again, there can be nothing else than that between them. I _will_ not think on it.

"No." I am firm with her. "It is not that. There is something about Legolas he has never liked—and what about Glorfindel? Elladan loves him."

She looks at me with serious eyes.

"Very well Elrohir. If you think so. Still he would never hurt someone you loved, deliberately. He would not."

I am prepared to accept she is right on that. It does seem something Elladan would be incapable of.

"I wish I could understand it," I murmur. "That's all, I wish it made sense."

"Then you must talk to him." It sounds so easy when she says it, but I think it will not be easy at all.

She stays until I sleep. Until fatigue defeats me and I walk the dream paths, and somehow she steers me towards pleasant dreams. I am sure it is her doing. I dream of days before the war when life was simpler and Legolas and I did not have sea-longing or the heavy weight of grief to worry us. When we were happy.

I am awoken by a cool hand upon my brow. Time has moved on but I am not sure how much of it has past. It is Estel who wakes me and something is wrong with him. I am not my sister. I cannot unravel the thoughts of others but I do not need that skill to know this. Estel is a coiled spring of tension and sorrow.

"I did not mean to wake you," he says, smiling at me but his smile is not a real one.

"What is wrong Estel?"

"You have a fever but it is not a bad one, and not unexpected. We can deal with it,"

He deliberately misunderstands me for I am not concerned about myself. I worry about him. He looks exhausted, as if he can barely keep himself upright and I wonder what he has been doing to tire himself so badly. He was not this drawn when I last woke. I reach out and touch his hand as he turns away to get something for the fever.

"I mean what is wrong with _you?"_

 _"_ Me?" He pretends innocence but I see a glimpse of something terrible sitting behind his eyes. "I am tired, that is all. You have been a rather. . . demanding patient." He gives a laugh then but it is a hollow one.

"How is Legolas?"

He pulls his hand away from me then and walks away so I cannot see his face.

"Glorfindel is with him." He says quietly. I may be hurt and fevered but I am not stupid. I know he seeks to distract me and my stomach churns. What is it he withholds from me?

"I did not ask who is with him. I asked how he is." He will not fob me off!

The reply I recieve is silence. Instead he fiddles with the vials that adorn the table in the corner of my room. Intent on staring at them as if he has not heard me.

"Estel? How is he?"

He sighs. A long heavy sigh full of grief.

"It is not good brother." He says eventually, and when he turns back his eyes are filled with tears.

Estel never cries. _Never_. The last time I saw this was the birth of his son. The churning in my stomach becomes panic. Pure, unadulterated, all consuming panic.

"What do you mean?" I cry. Legolas did not look well when he was here but things were not that desperate surely. His fall was unexpected and dramatic but nothing that could cause more than superficial damage to an elf.

"He hit his head when he fell," My little brothers voice cracks and he pauses as if he cannot continue—but he does. "I cannot wake him, Elrohir. I have tried everything, everything! I cannot reach him and nor can Arwen. . . and he fades. He is barely there. I . . ." and finally he stops. Finally he cannot find the words.

I cannot believe this. He is mistaken. This is not true.

"Elladan!" I cry, "Elladan can reach him. There is none better than him."

"Elladan?" Estel's voice drips with sarcasm at that. "I think _not._ It is Elladan who has put him in this position after all."

I cannot believe Elladan has hurt him _that_ badly.

"If you explain how dire things are he will help. He will save Legolas for me. He will not let him go." I am certain, so completely certain my brother would do this for me.

"I cannot trust him." Estel snaps and his face is set with a look that tells me he will not be argued with.

I try to pull myself up to sit then, although the pain cuts me in two and makes me gasp. I will not lie here while Legolas fades.

"Lie still you fool!" Estel restrains me with a simple hand in the chest. "You are going nowhere."

"I must see him. If he is that bad I _must_ see him. I can reach him Estel!"

"Oh Elrohir," he sighs, "You do not know where to start. You know that. And you are a long way from being well enough to traipse around. I promise you if I think there is a need I _will_ get you to him. Not now though brother."

I have to admit he is right, I can not even bear to sit upright. My side burns terribly. And I have no healing ability at all, I know that, Arwen and Elladan inherited that but not me. My father's skill passed me over. Never before has that fact hurt as much as it does now. It should be _me_ who helps Legolas. It should be _me_ who saves him.

But I am not strong enough, and I am not talented enough.

Estel leaves me in the end instructing me to sleep but I do not. How can I? Instead my mind imagines a series of possibilities. All of which involve Legolas slipping away from me. A tight band of panic strangles me. I am in the midst of that panic when Elladan arrives.

In another time it would amuse me, the fact I lie here and pay host to a series of my family as they file in and out of my room, one at a time.

Elladan says nothing. He stands at the doorway and stares, white-faced. He has been crying, I can see that much and that tears at my soul. I wish I could ease his pain but I do not know where to start.

"Shall I leave?" He whispers then and I reach out to him.

"I am glad you are here, I wish to speak to you," I say and I mean it. It is the most awkward conversation I think we have ever had.

I plead with him to explain because I need so badly to understand his motives, to grasp what happened within his mind but he cannot explain, not to my satisfaction. Yet again he feels wild, chaotic, erratic, more like Legolas and Elladan and it leaves me confused and agitated. I want my brother. I want the brother I know who will calm me and he is not here.

But when I try to describe that to him, to tell him how he feels, that he is lost to me and this imposter is in his place the colour drains from his face. He is frozen in time, white and drawn and then, midway through our discussion he leaps to his feet.

"I must go Elrohir!"

"No!" I grasp his hand, I will not let him go, not yet. But I am weak and he is the stronger. He pulls away from me.

"I _must_! You do not understand!" He is right about that. I do not.

"Then tell me brother! Make me understand!"

"There is no time." He gasps, then he is gone and I am left alone, grieving, in pieces.

The day is long and I do not sleep. Instead I worry, for Legolas, for Estel, for Elladan. I am useless, trapped here by my injuries. I cannot help any of them. What goes on outside my doors?

It is evening before Arwen appears, soft and quiet, through my door. She is surprised to see me awake.

"I cannot sleep sister. Tell me what happens. Tell me how is Legolas?"

She takes my hand with a smile and her calmness, her sweetness washes over me and soothes the edges of my fea where it writhes in panic and anxiety.

"He is well," she says softly. "That is why I am here. Estel sends me to tell you. Legolas has awoken and he is well. Elladan has found him."

Elladan! I knew he could do it. I knew he would save him for me. The relief is all encompassing. It engulfs me.

"Estel is with him," she goes on "and he says he is better than he has been for a long while. We will bring him to you tomorrow. In the meantime brother you _must_ sleep or you will not heal."

"I have been worried. . ." I stumble on the words. My tongue trips over them.

"And you need worry no longer!"

I do sleep then. When the anxiety disappears I am so drained I could not stay awake if I wanted to. So I sleep and I dream again of Legolas. Of our days in the sun, before the war, before the sealonging, when all was simple and easy between us. Will we ever get that back?

A soft noise awakes me and the feel of fingers, fine and slender sweeping across my face. When I open my eyes he is there, in front of me, smiling his beautiful, heart-breaking smile.

"Legolas!"

He is pale, his forehead marked with a gash that Estel has stitched and a bruise that meanders down his face but he looks well despite that, oh so well.

"Are you real?" I breathe, "What are you doing?"

"Remembering you."

My breath catches then, for I have done this myself before. It is as if we are trapped within a loop of time, and I reach up to hold his hand that brushes across my face. I tell him then what he told me the last time.

"I am still here."

"But we are not the same."

"No." Suddenly I am filled with disquiet. Something is wrong here. "But our love is."

"I was thinking about how it was before the war. When things were easy," he says then and I smile up at him.

"So was I. I was dreaming it!" We are still the same. We still have our link.

"I am sorry I have changed," he whispers, "I am sorry for it all. The sealonging. Elladan, how much I hurt you. I am always hurting you."

"And I hurt you also. That is the way of it. You cannot help the sealonging Legolas. It is what it is."

"You told me not to follow him." His face fills with anguish as he speaks. "You pleaded with me, you knew it would destroy us and I did not listen. I should have listened."

My anxiety is back churning within me like a thing alive for I do not like this, I do not like it at all.

"Why do you think on this Legolas? You had no choice. I know that, I was wrong, I was selfish to place that pressure upon you. And you are still here! We can cope with the sea-longing if we must." And I feel it then upon him, the softest, gentlest, faintest, breath of the sea. It is back.

"Elladan has given you the sea back!" I cry as the realisation hits me.

"It saved me." Legolas says with a smile. "It is a part of me Elrohir, I cannot be rid of it unless I sail, and it is _so_ good to have it back."

"Then we will cope with that." I grasp his hand but my heart sinks. He is back but the sealonging with him and it eats away at him. I have seen it, it consumes him and destroys him. I will have to think of a way to hold it at bay.

"If you need to sail Legolas, we will sail. I mean that."

"I cannot sail!" His cry is heartbreaking. "I cannot leave Aragorn or Gimli. I cannot!"

"Then I will move here. I will leave Elladan and come to Ithilien. Grandfather will be at Imladris before too long anyway." My mind is racing as I plan this. It will work! I will move here to be with him always and I can hold the sea at bay for him.

But he pulls his hand from mine. He retreats into himself, I feel it. His spirit shrinks away from me.

"I will only hurt you again and I will not. I will not hurt you any longer."

I reach to take his hand back but he will not let me. Alarms go off within me. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. I remember then what was happening the last time as I woke him from sleeping. When I stroked his face and told him I was remembering him, as he has just done to me. He was leaving me.

"No Legolas." I try to preempt him. I will not let him say it. But he talks over the top of me.

"I have decided," he says, "I have thought on it. I need to step aside. Until I sail...just until I sail Elrohir. I need to stay away. I will not hurt you any longer." The words spill out of him but I will not listen. I will not listen!

"No. No. No!"

" Yes!" There are tears in his eyes but he smiles through them. "You will see, Elrohir, that this is right. I will make you understand. We need to be apart. I will still love you."

He cannot leave me. I cannot survive through this.

I cannot let him destroy us!


	14. Chapter 14

Legolas will not be swayed.

I argue and I plead but he is resolute.

"This makes no sense, Legolas. We cannot just cease to be...stop loving..."

"I did not say I would not love you." He replies. "I will always love you. If I end up in the Halls of Mandos I will still love you. At the breaking of the world I will love you. That will never end Elrohir. This is but a pause, a gap, a chance to breathe."

"A chance to breathe? I cannot breathe without you!" He will listen to no sense at all. So confident, so secure is he in his decision. But he hasn't asked me before he made it. He hasn't checked with me. "This is the sea-longing speaking Legolas!" I try again to reach him, to make him see reality. "You have had it barely a moment and already it twists your mind."

"It is not Elrohir," he says firmly, "I know what it is capable but this is not it. The sea is quiet, it is quiescent and happy simply to be with me. This is _me_ speaking, not the sea. I cannot sail," he continues, "I cannot leave my friends, I cannot rid myself of the sealonging, I cannot do more damage to you. This is a solution. And then, when we do sail, when we leave Arda for new shores, then we will be reunited. It is not forever."

"You choose Estel over me!" I cry. It is a petty, hurtful response and I do not even believe it myself.

But he does not leap to the bait. He does not attack back, he simply shakes his head in sorrow.

"I choose no one over you, Beloved, for none can match you. I choose you. This is me choosing you. I will protect you and myself. I will make sure we endure."

There is no arguing with him.

Elladan tries. He speaks with him at length, retracts those words that are now being used to justify this decision. He spends hours pleading and rationalising but Legolas will not be moved.

Estel tries also for he is distraught. He visits me and begs for forgiveness. He sees this as another thing, one more burden that Legolas carries because of their friendship and he is anguished. But Legolas will not listen to him either. He is so determined he is right.

I will say one thing, this is a Legolas I have not seen for years. A Legolas confident in himself and his future. It makes me waver. It makes me doubt myself.

But while Legolas may be strong and self assured about his choices the rest of us are not. I am broken, Estel and Elladan are weighed down with guilt and they rage at each other for Estel blames Elladan for this. It was his words that planted the seed for this choice and he cannot see past that. It hurts me to see them splinter apart.

It is Arwen who finds me a way to go forward. She visits me as I sit quietly recuperating in the sun and mourning my life. She sits herself down beside me and pulls my head down to rest upon her shoulder.

"My poor Brother," she says quietly. "You are so unhappy." She does not have to reach into my mind to know that.

"How can I be anything else? Legolas will not listen to me," is my reply.

She is quiet then. She does not answer me for a long time but simply strokes my hair. It is so comforting.

"Will he not?" She says eventually, softly, "or is it that all of you are not listening to _him_?"

"What do you mean?" I lift my head and turn to look at her. "What do you mean I do not listen?"

"You and Legolas, you have always been exciting . . . Dangerous, even, the pair of you together. No one could ever accuse you of being boring. Your highs are high and your lows, despairing. You know that, Elrohir, and it will always be that way. Even in Valinor the two of you will be creating chaos I think."

Does she criticise us? I am unsure and I do not know how to take this.

"I do not want boring!" I protest. "I _like_ us the way we are."

"Of course!" She smiles brightly then. "He is perfect for you. You are so well suited. He balances you and he loves you so. You are lucky, brother—but you could never say it is calming."

"He loves me but he does not want me. He abandons me."

She takes my hand then and cradles it in her own.

"He has not said that Elrohir. He is not abandoning you. He asks for respite. Legolas bears a heavy load to remain here. He should sail and yet he cannot, for to leave Estel and Gimli would destroy him. He has to find a way to survive here. He needs some space perhaps, some calm. He can cope with the sea-longing, he can cope with the grief that creeps up on him, he can cope with the excitement that is the two of you, but he can not cope with it all at once. It is a short time only, in the scheme of things, that he asks for."

"Do not say that!" I snap at her, I lash out, because that short time she speaks of, that is the measure of her life and I do not wish to hear it.

"Elrohir, my brother, I know you love him," she continues as if I had not shown her my anger. "Sometimes you have to make a sacrifice for love. Perhaps this is your sacrifice? Can you do it if he needs it?"

That brings my objections, my arguments to a halt for if there was someone who knows about sacrificing for the one you love it is her. She has given away her entire life, her immortality because of her love for Estel and how I have struggled with that decision. I have punished him for years because of it. And so I stop and think. Arwen has given up her entirety, yet Legolas only asks for a few years from me.

"I do not know, Arwen " is my answer in the end. "I do not know if I can do it."

"Can you try? He only wants you to try for him."

"I should be the one who helps him." I think this is what hurts me the most about this. "He should be nearer me, not further away and yet he runs from me."

"If you wish to help him, you must help in the way he wants it. Not in the way you want to give it."

Her words echo around my mind long after she has left me. I am still thinking on them when the sun has set and Legolas arrives to sit with me.

Every day he comes and sits and tells me what happens beyond my door, for Estel will not let me out of here and it is tedious. Usually his cheery conversation ends with me raging or sulking, trying to tear down his confidence in this decision and getting nowhere. But still he comes and sits and chats, or at least attempts to. You could almost believe there is nothing wrong between us, except for the fact he never touches me. I burn for his touch.

Today is different.

As he settles down beside me, close, but not close enough, smiling his brilliant smile, I look at him and I see him, actually _see_ him. He is well. That is an understatement. He glows with wellbeing. I cannot remember when I last saw him so unburdoned.

"You are happy," I say it with an element of surprise for I had not noticed just how much he glowed. It is hard to see through my own unhappiness.

"I am . . . Secure." He corrects me and he struggles to find the word he wants to describe himself. The one he settles on is a strange one.

"Secure? Secure in what?"

"Secure in myself. Secure in our future. I will protect us from the sealonging and all its misery. I will protect you. I cannot change anything else but this I can do. I have been battered by the winds of my fate for long enough. No more Elrohir. I am in control."

And suddenly I understand. Arwen is right. I have not been listening before.

Legolas has been adrift in misery for so long and there has been nothing he could do about it. He is trapped, trapped by his friends and by the sea. What Legolas wants is control over something . . . Just one thing in his life and us, him and I, the two of us, is the only thing he has a chance of controlling.

Perhaps I should be honoured that he trusts me, trusts in our love, enough that he feels he can ask me this.

But can I give it to him?

And can we survive it?

I want to help him, I do, but something feels wrong still. I have so many doubts. There is so much of this plan of his that could go wrong.

"Legolas, what if this does not work? What if, when it comes time for us to sail we have nothing left? What if you find someone else?"

I do not worry about myself finding another for that is ridiculous at the extreme. Someone better than Legolas? There is no such thing. But him—he could find someone with just the flick of his fingers. But he only shrugs, it does not concern him it seems.

"Someone else? That is silly Elrohir. There will never be any one else."

Arwen's words from days ago, the ones I pushed to the back of my mind choose that moment to float forward into my consciousness.

"What of Elladan?" I do not even think before I say it. It is cruel. I know that the moment I see his face. A look of devastation flits across it cracking his self assurance into pieces. This newfound confidence is only paper thin it seems.

"Why do you say that?" he gasps and instantly I want to take it back. I want to take that look of hurt and pain off his face. I want the new, certain, sure of himself, Legolas back. What kind of fool am I?

"Forget I said it," I say. "It was just a wondering, a what-if. It meant nothing." I seek hurriedly to distract him from my clumsiness. "Legolas . . . if I give you this will you promise me something?" And he allows himself to be distracted, because I think, he wishes to open the problem that is Elladan as little as I.

"What kind of promise do you need?" He asks and he tilts his head just so, as he always does and it tears at my heart.

"If I agree to do this. If I agree to step back, to give you this break, you must promise me if it does not work, if it puts us at risk, if we begin to lose ourselves and what we have, that we will revisit this. It is not set in stone that it will stay this way."

"It _will_ work." His confidence returns tenfold but I know now how fragile it really is.

"Legolas!" I am firm, I must be firm because I _need_ this from him. "If you are sure it will work then the promise is an easy one to give. I need you to agree to this."

He drops his head and fiddles with the edge of his sleeve and I wonder what makes him nervous but eventually he sees sense, just this once.

"I will promise you this Elrohir for I would not lose you. I would never lose you." It is enough . . . For now.

"Then I will try this . . . What you propose. For _you_ Legolas."

"For _us,"_ he says but that is not the truth of it. I do it because he needs it. For me, it is an agony. But if this is the help he needs to feel secure, to feel in control of his destiny then I will give it.

"Will you write at least? Will you do that much for me?"

"Of course !" He looks up in surprise, "I do not mean we would cut each other off . . . I could not do that!" I wonder then if he has even thought this through clearly. What _does_ he mean then? How does he envisage this new relationship of ours working?

His hand hovers over mine as if he wants to touch me. I feel his energy, his fea, sparking against mine. It sends shocks through my skin. I miss his touch beyond imagining. This is _too_ hard and it has only just begun.

And he withdraws, the moment is gone.

I am left in the cold of my loneliness.

He does write as he promised, when he leaves for Ithilien. Long newsy letters filled with the goings on of his people, for I know them all. And then later when I return to Imladris he writes of Aragorn and Arwen, and all they are up to. His letters are upbeat and happy, positive always and far from the miserable yearnings I used to receive. I wonder at first if it is an act. Does he pretend this to satisfy me? But Estel sees him often and he tells me he is well, beyond well he says, in fact almost—but not quite—the old Legolas we used to know.

Was it me dragging him down all this time?

And so I read his letters. I love them, I imagine his light. But it is a light I can no longer reach. A light that no longer shines for me.

And so I read his letters, written with love, that is obvious.

And I weep.

THE END

Authors note: So this is not the end obviously but it is the end for now. I promise I will not leave them like this forever! Thanks for reading! : )


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